The tale of a chopper, a chop the FBI & 4 pigs

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Dissolute Dan
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The tale of a chopper, a chop the FBI & 4 pigs

Post by Dissolute Dan » Fri Jul 10, 2020 10:13 pm

Rather long but funny I think. I've tried to format to make as easy to read as possible.

Cast, with names changed to protect the guilty:

Bert Goodman: elderly care home resident
Jer0me P0well: Director Federal Reserve Bank
J0hn C Wi11iam: Federal Reserve Bank of New York
Pa5cal R1chman: DHL manager
Edmund R0ss: Regional Director DHL Secure Western Europe
Noel 0scar: DHL Express/Special Delivery Division


Elderly Bert Goodman somehow received mail from the Federal Reserve Bank

Jer0me P0well -> Bert:
We the Federal Reserve Bank officials were heading a meeting at the White House yesterday towards the situation of this funds delivery of a thing,when Mr Williams from the Federal Reserve Bank of New York came out with his topic and opinions which later ended with a report on the cancellation of some of the beneficiaries whose according to him,did not make any attempt or show any interest in the funds assigned to them.
He added that ,it isn't the fault of the beneficiaries and also not the fault of the deliverers which he considered poor working class and organizing mentality as the cause of it.
As an angry bed ,he asked for the cancellation of any fund beneficiary who decided not to be replying his emails about this funds issue,he had it that ,there seems to be no reason of keeping your emails on his phone since no other business that tied you both together except the funds from the UN and to be delivered by his bank.
A list he presented which shows the number of beneficiaries he is going to attend,how much they are to receive,how to get it delivered,how many people who had received theirs ,the ones who is yet to receive theirs,number of unbelievers,and the ones who is yet to be informed about the funds.
Your information,phone number and email address was seen as #9 out of the 27 persons who suddenly stopped replying his emails.
His reports are too numerous to be written down here.
*************************************************
I looked at the report and decided to sleep over it before passing out my judgement.
The FBI got involved in the issues and according to what they said,most people lost confidence in the Federal Reserve Bank institution because:
1.They receives more emails about the funds more than expected.
2.They were made to believe that the yet to receive fund comes also from the other financial institution and not only the Federal Reserve Bank.( But this is a very big lie!).
*************************************************
To end the long messages,Mr J0hn C Wi11iams wrote a letter to the authority , seeking for the cancellation of your fund which he stated that he reason is that you are no longer responding to his emails, and for him to avoid been charged for an unexpected fine,he has no right to leave a rejected funds in his bank.
So you have to get back to me as soon as you received this email.
*************************************************
Mr Jer0me P0well
Director Federal Reserve Bank
Bert -> Jer0me P0well:
Dear Mr Jerome
Who passes my address on to you?
Are you contacting me in connection with my ongoing business with Mr Williams.
I'm slightly confused about this. Could you clarify?
Sincerely
Bert
Bert is then contacted directly by Mr William:

J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
Are you there Bert?
Bert -> J0hn C Wi11iams:
Yes, I am here!
We were in communication previously.
Not sure what happened. I know I got locked out of my mail for a
period, plus a load of my mails were somehow deleted. It may have been
then that we lost contact
Where were we?

Bert
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
How do you wish to get your fund delivered?
Is it by cash delivery or bank transfer?
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
Cash delivery would suit best.
Done as discreetly as possible.

Bert
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
Ok send your full name and phone number,your house address and nearest airport .
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
Address:
xxxxx, London xxxx
The nearest airport is London Heathrow
I don't use a phone as I have difficulty hearing these days. email is best way to communicate.
Would I collect in person from the airport?
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
No, sorry. The funds is meant to be delivered at your doorstep and not at the airport.
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
Can it be delivered discreetly?
I'd prefer to keep this matter private.
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
Yes it could only be known by me,you and the delivery agent.
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
Could you mail me an approximate time on the day of delivery?
am or pm would be enough.
That way I can be waiting and no one else need get involved with the courier.
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
Once it's ready to be delivered,I'll let you know,but bear in mind that the delivery fee has to be made .
Your fund is US$8,500,000.00
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
ok. that's good.
I'll pay the courier cash when I see them?
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
You have to send them the fee to clear every tag that is required,since you said you want it to be secret.
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
If you give me their account I'll get that taken care of.
How long will this process take?
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
The delivery takes 12 to 13 hrs after the payment is been confirmed.
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
That's quick!
So what's the next step?
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
The next step is to get in touch with them,I'll be sending an email to them about this now,and you too,send them an email and explain yourself to them.
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
When are you going to contact them?
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
oh, I thought you were going to do that.
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert
Ok,I'll do that soon .
Bert->DHL
Sirs,
I'm contacting you to arrange delivery of a package sent to myself from Mr John C Wi11iam.
Sincerely
Bert Goodman
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
Just sent the courier a mail.
Hopefully we can get the business finished now.
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
Ok when they responds ,you let me know
DHL -> Bert
What John are you talking about because we received an email from info.johncwi11iam-at-gmail.com just now ,he's informing us about a fund of US$8.5 Million dollars to be delivered to Mr Goodman?
Bert-> DHL:
Yes, that's to be delivered to myself.
Please mail me with an approx time on the day of delivery so I can be ready and waiting.
Sincerely
Bert
DHL -> Bert
It will get ready to be delivering as soon as the shipment payment is made.
Bert -> DHL
ok.
Give me your account details & I'll pay that.
How much is the shipment fee?
Bert
DHL -> Bert
The shipment fee is $850.00 USD
The custom and boarder protection clearance fee is $500.00 USD
The airport clearance tag is $150.00 USD
Total : $1,500.00 USD
I'll mail an account shortly, payment through Gift cards is also accepted,as that is an easier way to get this done.
Bert -> DHL
A bank would be easier for me. I can do it without even leaving home.
Is the package insured? I can't see any insurance listed. Or is that included in the shipment fee?
DHL -> Bert
The insurance fee is $250.00 USD ,the total amount to be paid for the funds delivery is $1,750.00 USD
Bert -> DHL
Ok, I'll agree to that figure, although to be honest, it's higher than
I was expecting. I'd feel more comfortable if the package was insured.
DHL -> Bert
You do not have to worry,we would take care of it,the job was given to us by Mr J0hn C Wi11iams himself,it means he trusted our company that's why he gave us the job to deliver your package to you.
Bert -> DHL
ok. We can proceed on that basis.
DHL -> Bert
Are you going to make the payment in USD or GBP?
Bert -> DHL
GBP
DHL -> Bert
Are you ready to do the transaction now let me send an account?
Bert -> DHL
Yes. I've just checked my current account balance, it has sufficient funds.
DHL -> Bert pig1!
Ok,here's the account details to send the fee to,
Don't forget to screenshot it once you have transferred it.

BANK NAME: x
ACCOUNT NAME: x
ACCOUNT NO: x
ROUTING NO: x
SWIFT CODE: x
BRANCH: x

We are waiting.
Bert -> DHL
I've just checked the conversion rate.
$1750 = uk £1403.44
Is that ok?
DHL -> Bert
Yes it is
DHL -> Bert
Are you done with the transaction?
Bert -> DHL
Can you check those details again?

I've just tried to make the payment with my online banking and it's giving a 'Transaction Denied' message. It says to contact customer services. Probably one of those digits is wrong.

Please let me know asap.

I have to go out now for a hospital appointment but should be back later this afternoon or early evening. Double check the account details & I'll give it another go then.
DHL -> Bert
Ok, I will check.
DHL -> Bert pig2!
We are having issues with our USA account,so you have to make the payment to our UK account:

xxx Bank
Mr. xxx
ACCOUNT: xxx
SORT CODE: xxx
IBAN: xxx
BIC: xxx
Address; London United Kingdom
DHL -> Bert
Multiple attempts to contact Bert....


J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert
Hey Bert,I just received an email from the DHL,they are complaining that you are no longer responding to their emails.
What's going on?
Please get back to me as soon as possible.
Bert -> DHL
Hello DHL,

Could you give me a name? I'm wondering who it is I've been talking with.

Why are you expecting an immediate response? You are coming across as impolite. I already told you that I had a Hospital appointment this afternoon. In fact, that has been occupying my attention. I have a chronic condition and the upshot of my consultation this afternoon is that the prognosis, long term, is not good.

Anyway, I'm back home now and I can start thinking about the payment to your other account.

Before I do that, please tell me, how big the delivery is. Physically big I mean. It occurs me that US$8.5 Million will take up quite a lot of room, depending on the note denominations. And how heavy? Before it arrives, I need a safe place to store it.

Sincerely
Bert Goodman

Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
I don't know what those guys are on about.

I already told them that I had a hospital appointment this afternoon. Tell them to read the mail I sent earlier. I do in fact have a serious medical condition, the long term outlook for which is bleak.

I have replied to them. To be blunt, if they give you any more shit, find a different courier with a more professional approach to doing business.

Annoyed
Bert

J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert
I understand what you said,and I'll talk to them right away.

Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM:
It may be a single employee with an attitude problem. I did ask for their name.
I've had deliveries in the past via DHL and never had any problem.
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert
Don't forget to let me know once you are done with the payment.
DHL -> Bert
It's not that big as you think,a portable room can contain it.
$8.5million USD is equivalent to £6.8million GBP
Bert -> DHL
A portable room of what size?
I know how to convert between currencies. I'm asking about the physical size.
Would it fit in a Ford Transit van? Like one of these?

<link to picture of a transit van>
DHL -> Bert
Yes it will
Bert -> DHL
And how heavy is it? I'm 76 and can't lift much these days. I'll hire a transit van like in the picture. Will your DHL driver be able to put in in the back of the transit?
DHL -> Bert
He will help you lift to any room of your choice.
Or you hire someone to do the job for you
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Dear Mr William,

Thank you for understanding my slight irritation with whoever it is at DHL dealing with this shipment.

I initially tried to pay their charge but I think there is some problem with the DHL payment system. I've been given a second account to pay into and no doubt that will work ok, when I'm ready to go ahead.

However, can you assist me with a couple of things?

Firstly, I can't go and deposit that amount of cash into a bank. As you will know, above a certain threshold, questions are asked. I'll have to spend it gradually. Do you know the denominations of the notes in the consignment? If I keep visiting money exchanges with huge packets of $100 notes to change into GBP, suspicions will be aroused there also. So, I need to store it long term and spend gradually. Unless you have any other idea that is.

That brings me to the second problem. As you may know, I live in sheltered accommodation. About 50 senior citizens all together. It's an arrangement that suits me, but there isn't much privacy. My room gets a daily clean for example. My laundry is all taken care of. I now realize that I need to plan where to store such a large amount of cash. Even physically it's large. Maybe I should rent a storage unit somewhere?

Before we go ahead with a delivery, are you able to offer any advice on these matters?

Sincerely
Bert
DHL -> Bert
repeated attempts to contact Bert....

Bert -> DHL
You didn't tell me your name. Please do so.
You need to understand that I have various commitments during the day. Just now, for example, is time for our evening meal when everyone here gets to meet up. I get back to my room and find you, again, somewhat impatient that I'm not able, or choose not, to immediately reply.
There are a couple of matters I need to discuss with Mr William before I respond further.
DHL -> Bert
I'm Mr Pa5cal R1chman
Bert -> R1chman
Thank you Mr Pa5cal.

Perhaps you are new to your job. For clarity, the relationship between us is that I am proposing to pay DHL for a service. I do not expect impatience from you.
If you cannot manage that, I will simply ask Mr J0hn Wi11iam, with whom I am conducting business, to choose another courier.
That said, I've just asked Mr J0hn Wi11iam for advice on a couple of minor matters.

Once I have considered his reply, I'll pay to the other account you gave me and we can get this matter finished.

With appreciation for your service
Bert Goodman

J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert

85,000 pieces of $100 makes up $8.5 million USD.
As you said you have no place to keep it,I'll advise you to make arrangement on where to keep it .
Now that it's at the DHL,you have to hurry and make the delivery payment and then tell them the date you would like it to be delivered.
I wished you and I were together and I'd tell you to put it in my account.
To cut this short,send them the fee,and then tell them that you would not be at home by tomorrow or next or any day you think that the house to keep the funds would be ready.
As for currency exchange,you have no problem with that because you are free to tell them that it's from the UN.
J0HN C W1LL1AM > Bert:
several attempts to contact Bert.....


Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Dear Mr William,

You must get up earlier than me!

Something is definitely wrong with the DHL payment system. I just tried to pay the exact same amount to the other account DHL gave me and I'm still getting a 'Transaction Denied' message and an instruction to contact customer services. In fact, I seem to have made the situation worse. All my online payments are now suspended until I speak with customer services. They don't open until 10:00 on Saturdays, so I'll phone them then & let you know what they say.

How long do DHL hold deliveries for in a situation like this?

Bert
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert
That's cool, remember that you said that you don't want to get people involved in this,so mind how you will be keeping your phone, because a person might get into the phone and steal the DHL email or mine .

Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Dear Mr William,

The main problem with phones for me is that I can't hear too clearly. That's why I don't normally use them. At my residence, since many of us have difficulty hearing, there is a special phone with a special very loud speaker wired in. Plus, I can always ask one of the staff here to be with me when I make the call. They don't need to know the details of our transaction.

Sometimes there is a bit of a queue to use that particular phone.

Why would it matter if they know the DHL mail? Lots of people use DHL.

Regards
Bert

J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert
What I mean is that you should avoid another person from knowing what the DHL is delivering to you.

Bert ->J0HN C W1LL1AM
No, they don't need to know that.

I've arranged to hire a van when we know the delivery date. I'll ask the DHL driver to transfer the shipment to my van in a side street. That fellow at DHL assures me that their driver will do the heavy lifting for me.

No one at my residence need witness this.

J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert
Ok,that's a good idea.

Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM & R1chman
Dear Mr William and Mr R1chman,

There was a long wait to get through to customer services. Saturday morning is their busy time.

I've got to the bottom of what the problem is here.

It seems there is some sort of security flag on the first account DHL gave me. I couldn't get any more detail than that. Once that initial alert had been triggered, since the second payment was for the same amount, that payment also was blocked.

My bank is now requiring that both I and DHL complete a security authorisation form. It's a legal requirement in the UK, in certain circumstances. For myself, this applies to all future payments to new payees. Fortunately, payments that I already have set up, the monthly residency charge here for example, will continue unchanged. Plus, I can still withdraw cash from ATM machines. I'm going to pay the van rental in cash, so that is still good to go.

Once I return the security form to the bank, they will carry out my instructions. It's fairly short, just asking for basic information, not much more than you have already provided me with. It needs to be witnessed.

Sincerely
Bert
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert
Mr Powell told me that he has instructed you to buy a Gift cards instead, because the DHL also accepts that.
Go to the ATM and withdraw cash and send through Gift cards.
Is that alright?
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
We are proposing to pay DHL for a service. If they are so incompetent that their payment system doesn't work, then they can return the delivery to you and we choose another courier.
And by the way, Mr Powell does not 'instruct' either you or I.
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert
My aim for all these is to get your delivery done,so don't feel offended,if you didn't like my suggestion,that's cool,you can bring out yours.
The DHL company I gave to you is the ones we have been in partnership with for years now and we have never had any inconveniences apart from the transaction problem.
I came across where you asked ,what if a DHL worker steal the Gift card,
I'm going to assure you that the DHL does not work with a corrupted official,so do not think that I'm against you and sided the DHL .
DHL -> Bert
If you can do the transfer right now you let me know so that I'll give you our 2nd UK account.
Bert -> DHL:
Mr R1chman,

I don't think any payment will go through because new payments from my account seem to be blocked. I explained what I was told earlier to Mr J0hn W1ll1am. Apologies if I didn't copy you in on that mail.
However, we could try it if you want. It might work I suppose, especially if it's a uk bank. Give me a different amount to pay. If it's exactly the same amount as last time the bank will immediately connect the two payments. How about you give me a discount on your transportation fee? I actually think I deserve a reduction after all these problems with your payment system.

Bert
DHL -> Bert
I thought Mr Williams said he told you about making payments through gift cards?

Bert -> DHL:
He did and I told him that such an idea is a joke.
£1403.44 worth of gift cards? Really?
Paid to a reputable company like DHL?
If your payment system is so broken that your customers are reduced to paying by gift card, your entire IT department should be sacked.
I'm expecting a considerable reduction in your charges by way of apology for this fiasco.
Bert
DHL -> Bert
Sir, you are just a customer and you don't have to tell us how to run our company.
The payment through gift cards was approved by the authority,so you have no right to make us change it, you can either choose a way of making your own payment.
Bert -> DHL:
Well, think what you want but I'm not paying by gift card.
DHL -> Bert:
Are you ready to try the transfer now let me send you our second UK account?
Bert -> DHL:
If you want we can try, but as I said, I'm not hopeful.
DHL -> Bert pig3!
Bank name :BANK OF SCOTLAND
Sort code :80-45-04
Account number:xxx
Account name: xxx
Iban: xxx
BIC : xxx
Bank address: ABERDEEN UPPERKIRK
Bert -> DHL:
What about my discount?
After all the trouble with your payment system, I propose that you reduce your fee by half, to £700. To apologise for the delays and inconvenience.
Is that acceptable?
DHL -> Bert
It's not acceptable Sir
Bert -> DHL:
Dear Mr R1chman,
ok, so we can negotiate.
What discount are you authorized to offer me?

Sincerely
Bert Goodman

DHL-> Bert:
We have agreed to give you a discount of £400.00
Bert -> DHL:
ok, I'll accept that.
Thank you.

I'll go ahead & pay £1,003.
Agreed?

Bert

DHL -> Bert
Yes,go ahead.
Bert -> DHL:
Nope. That doesn't work either. I'm still getting 'Transaction Denied'.
I thought that's what would happen. I think my bank has put a block on all payments to new payees. That's what customer services said would happen until I complete the International Transaction Security form.
I'm going to contact Mr J0hn C Wi11iam to see how we can proceed from here.
I feel like we have exhausted all possibilities.

Sincerely
Bert
DHL -> Bert
Now you see that it's not our fault but yours,for this your discount agreement has been disapproved.
You were told to go get gift cards and get this done but you refused.

Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Dear Mr Wi11iam,

At my third attempt, I've still been unable to complete the payment to DHL. In fact, I no longer have confidence in them. If it were widely known that their IT system is so broken that customers were paying via gift card, everybody would be laughing at them.
I'm going to see if I can find a different courier we could use. Are there others you know of with good reputation?
At present, I'm rather at a loss as how to best proceed from here.

Regards
Bert

JOHN C WILLIAM -> Bert
There's nothing like anyone laughing at them for accepting a gift cards as a form of making payments, because this problem we were facing right now is one of the reasons why the came up with the idea.
I'll try and see if I'll get another DHL to do the work,but I not I'll have no other option but to tell you to come over here yourself and go with your funds since you refused to make the payment through gift cards,for you know that this transaction would have been done two days ago and your fund would have been delivered yesterday.

Bert is so dissatisfied with the courier that he does a bit of Internet research to find an alternative.

He discovers Mr Ross, supposedly from DHL Secure Western Europe. After a web chat with Mr Ross, during which Bert tells him all about the shipment and the shortcomings of Mr R1chman, Ross sends Bert a 'do not forward' mail offering to take charge of the delivery. Bert immediately forwards the mail to J0HN C W1LL1AM.

The chop is coming...

Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
After hunting around on the Internet, I've made contact with a different DHL division who can take responsibility for delivery.

Please see the mail below from their Director. The whole tone of communication seems more professional. They share the same warehouse and can just complete the final stage of delivery.

I'm minded to go with this option.

Regards
Bert


---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Edmund R0ss <*****>
Date: Sun, Jul 5, 2020 at 4:55 PM
Subject: DHL Secure Western Europe
To: [email protected] <*****>


DHL Secure Western Europe


**************PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS COMMUNICATION******************


Dear Mr Goodman

Thank you for contacting DHL Secure via our website.

Please accept my apologies for the difficulties you have experienced with our DHL Home Delivery division.

DHL Secure Western Europe covers the same geographic area as the DHL Home Delivery. However, we specialize in providing services for Business and Private Exclusive Level customers who need to make significant cash deliveries.

We provide enhanced security for all cash in transit with a minimum of 2 Guards in addition to the Driver. All our Drivers and Guards are former Military or Police Service officers and have undergone rigorous background checks. For the transport of sums over $5 million, the number of Guards may be increased further. Our delivery vehicles are designed with State of the Art protection features, conforming to the Military Transport Specification nato/vec/mts/5289d. In addition to the tracking capability, required by that specification, they are in constant radio contact with the local DHL Secure office. A wide range of further measures are in place that we do not make public.

As it happens, DHL Secure Western Europe share the same warehouse site as DHL Home Delivery, where your package is currently located. We operate a secure storage facility on that site. On your instructions, we can move your package to our secure area and assume responsibility for delivery to yourself.

As discussed, the fee for our enhanced service, for the monetary value you advised, would normally be £8270. However, in view of the difficulties you have experienced with our DHL Home Delivery division, we are pleased to offer you, as a goodwill gesture, delivery at the reduced figure of £3500.

After we receive payment, your package will be delivered the next working day by 18:00 UTC.

I would ask you please to not communicate the contents of this mail to your contact at DHL Home Delivery. Our Head Office is aware of capability issues at DHL Home Delivery and are currently taking measures to address them. We will contact you with the outcome of our investigation in due course.

Please accept my apologies for the difficulties you encountered in using DHL Home Delivery. We intend to live up to the trust you have placed in DHL Secure and hope that we may serve you for your current and future business needs.

Sincerely
Edmund Ross

Regional Director
DHL Secure Western Europe

Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Dear Mr Wi11iam.

I forgot to mention, but please do not share the contents of that previous mail with your existing contact at DHL Mr R1chman.
I know that's obvious from the mail, but I thought I should emphasize.
Thank you
Bert

J0HN C W1LL1AM-> Bert

Mr Goodman, I have examined the email contents over and over again.
I contacted DHL Europe and there is no record of any contact with you, I don't think you understand, the people you are in contact with is a either a sub division or a hoax, Moreover DHL Europe is not in charge of your funds, I have contacted DHL Headquarters your funds has not entered the borders of the United Kingdom, I told you that I will have DHL deliver the funds to you from the UNITED STATES, stop contacting impostors.
I will get back to you soon with your delivery information.

Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Dear J0hn Wi11iam

I really don't know what to do now.

I put my concerns to Mr Ross and he gave me a very detailed explanation that I have copied to you. He thinks that Mr R1chman at DHL is putting £1000 in his pocket. For that reason, please don't forward this mail to Mr R1chman.

DHL Secure can't be a hoax because I found their web site. It was very detailed on all aspects of their business.

To be honest, I'm starting to get confused by the whole thing. I didn't realize it was going to get so complicated. Maybe I should get my daughter to help me sort this out. She is coming to visit me later this week. She is a whizz with email and all that sort of thing. Do you think a younger brain might help? We can certainly trust her with regards to keeping the delivery discreet.

Currently confused
Bert

---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Edmund Ross <***>
Date: Mon, Jul 6, 2020 at 9:01 AM
Subject: Re: DHL Secure
To: Bert Goodman <*****>


DHL Secure Western Europe


**************PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS COMMUNICATION******************

Dear Mr Goodman,

Please break off communication with Mr Wi11iam and your contact at DHL Home Delivery immediately. They are the ones trying to rob you. Once you have paid us, we will move your consignment to our secure storage and you can relax.

During our web chat, you told me that DHL Home Delivery were going to charge around £1500. I know that DHL Home are not operating at that price point. They target the price conscious home delivery market sector and would typically charge around £500. Probably what will happen here is that a corrupt employee will take £1500, put £1000 in his pocket and use the remaining £500 to pay the DHL charge. That way, the customer gets their delivery, DHL get no complaint and the theft is never discovered.

Let me also tell you that no legitimate business accepts payment in the form of Gift Cards. Certainly not DHL. At DHL Secure, we accept payment via MoneyGram.

With regards to our web site, it's currently offline because you have caught us in the middle of a major upgrade. The upgrade will take a few days but once complete will offer many exciting features to our premium customers.

I urge you to make your payment to us immediately, before you consignment goes missing. Use the payment details I previously supplied. Act now before it's too late.

Sincerely
Edmund Ross

Regional Director
DHL Secure Western Europe
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert
Mr Goodman,
This is definitely proof that whom ever you are in contact with is an absolute imposter, if they are in charge of your consignment box then they should be able to provide your Fund's Federal Registration number which they will not have, because they have no record of your funds in Europe, to further prove to you that this person is an imposer check out his website, it doesn't work because it's not real, you have to cut off communication with that person immediately because this might drag in complications we are trying to avoid, whereby your funds gets seized of nullified due to the information you keep sharing your with these people who are not in anyway attached to your funds folder, you should cut off communication immediately with them immediately, I am going to set up your delivery with DHL here in United States, so I can be able to survey and keep an eye on your consignment box till it gets to your house address, I will get back to you as soon as I have all your delivery documents sent to my office.

Edmund Ross-> Bert
DHL Secure Western Europe


**************PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS COMMUNICATION******************

Dear Mr Goodman,

Thank you for the form, I'll arrange for my secretary to send it back to you later today.

If payment via Western Union is a problem I can give you a different bank account to pay into when we are ready to go.

Let again emphasize that we need to act swiftly to save your consignment.

Sincerely
Edmund Ross

Regional Director
DHL Secure Western Europe

JOHN C WILLIAM -> Bert
Dear Mr Goodman,
I just got off the phone with DHL Special Delivery Division here in United States, whomever you were in contact with doesn't have your funds, your funds have been arranged and packaged in a consignment box, the Federal Reserve, funds release department will deposit the box to DHL Special Delivery Division, then the courier will have it delivered to your house address, you are to contact them through (***@***.com) time is of the essence.

Bert ->J0HN C W1LL1AM
Dear Mr William,

Thank you for following that up.
Do we have a delivery date? I need a few hours notice to book the van.

Bert

JOHN C WILLIAM -> Bert
Yes,you have to book the van,but don't forget to email the DHL
Bert ->J0HN C W1LL1AM
Is that the same Mr R1chman?
JOHN C WILLIAM -> Bert
Not at all!
Here comes the chopper.....

J0HN C W1LL1AM has contacted DHL Express, a DHL division offering a service more professional in tone & more secure, albeit expensive.
Mailing from an ip address in Lagos, DHL Express contacts Bert. Not to be outdone by the rival DHL Secure, Bert is now offered delivery by helicopter and with more guards than the other lot!

Evidently, unable to complete the job themselves, the Federal Reserve Bank has now outsourced the logistics of Bert's delivery to a crew in Nigeria.

DHL Express -> Bert


OFFICIAL LETTER FROM DHL Special Delivery Division.

Greetings: Bert Goodman,

This email is to notify you that your pending consignment box delivery from the Federal Reserve Bank United States of America which is currently ready to be delivered to you. The said consignment box has been loaded with $10,500,000.00 USD from the Federal Reserve Bank under the instruction of John Carroll Williams Manager of the Federal Reserve Banking system, after a close door meeting of the UN Secretary General in person of António Guterres and the Ministers of Finance to the 6 European countries along with the United State Attorney General in person of William Barr with the theme to pay up the compensation fund to scam victims and hard working outstanding patriotic individual which held on the 28th of May 2020
Acting on the instructions from J0hn Carroll Wi11iams to contact you and notify you about your package, ATTACHED TO THIS MAIL IS YOUR DELIVERY INVOICE.

First of all I need you to cease every communication with any bank(s) or person(s) including any other institution in the UK or any part of the world regarding your payment as we already have your fund to avoid you losing your funds to imposter or money launders.
Your consignment box contains a large sum of money which will normally be transported by road with the disadvantage of long delay in delivery due to the current lock-down, but because the consignment was issued a special delivery order by the Federal Reserve Bank, it has been scheduled to be delivered by the DHL Special delivery helicopter accompanied with three protection agents, through this means your consignment is estimated to arrive in 56 hours from the time of takeoff, The total cost of your consignment delivery is $7,600, Federal Reserve remitted 50% of the delivery charge to compensate you for the delays in arranging the funds, However you have to pay the remaining $3,800 balance so your delivery can proceed.

Service Type | Delivery Duration | Charges/Fees
Premium Express (56hrs Delivery)
$3,800

You are required to get back to me as soon as possible to let us know how soon you can make the payment, so i can give you the receiver information of our cashier unit.

Yours Faithfully
Noel 0scar

Bert -> DHL Express
Dear Mr 0scar,

Thank you for your mail.

Apologies for the delay in my replying, I was slightly unwell. Nothing serious.

I notice that the delivery charge has increased considerably. I assume that's on account of the helicopter. Could you give me a quote for secure delivery by van? There is nowhere here to land a helicopter anyway. The car park would be the only place, but it's usually full of cars. Plus, the fewer people who know the better, delivery by van would be more discreet.

If you could get back to me with a price for a normal van delivery that matches the previous figure, given by the other DHL division, I'll agree to it. Please give your revised quote inclusive of insurance.

Sincerely
Bert Goodman


Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Dear Mr Wi11iam,

I'm feeling a bit better today.

Just to keep you in the loop, I've got back to DHL. They quoted me a delivery cost that was over double the figure we previously discussed. I've asked them to revise that downward.

Hopefully we can get this business concluded now. I'll check with my van hire company that they will have a vehicle available during the coming week.

Regards
Bert

JOHN C WILLIAM -> Bert
How much is the cost of their charge for the delivery?

DHL Express -> Bert

OFFICIAL LETTER FROM DHL Special Delivery Division.

Greetings: Bert Goodman,

I received your email and the contents noted, apologies for the delayed reply, here at DHL we make customer satisfaction our number one priority that is why we opted for a faster delivery service for you, However we acknowledge your request for a Secured DHL Van delivery, which is one of our safest and efficient mode of delivery, but unlike our premium express service which takes only 56 hours the Economy Express Service (Secured DHL Van delivery) delivery duration is 150 hours approximately one week, the Economy Express Cost $1,780, which covers delivery and insurance charges.

Service Type | Delivery Duration | Charges/Fees
Economy Express (150hrs Delivery)
$1,780

Your Consignment box is ready to be delivered to you, orders for the activation of the delivery has already been issued by the Federal Reserve Bank, the only delay is the delivery.

You are therefore required to proceed to any Money gram Or Walmart To Walmart outlet close to you and send the delivery fee to your preferred choice of the delivery to the below detail:
Money gram Or Walmart To Walmart
Name: ***
County: USA
State: GEORGIA
Amount: $1,780

After which you are to get back to me with an attachment of the payment slip and Reference number so I can confirm your payment and have your parcel delivered to you at once by your preferred means of delivery.

Get back to us ASAP to avoid delays.

Yours Faithfully
Noel Oscar
Bert -> DHL Express
Dear Mr Oscar.

I'm very relieved to hear from you. An incident occurred on Tuesday, preventing me from attending to things for a day or so. I was worried the deadline for my delivery had passed.

May I add that I appreciate your agreement to use the cheaper delivery option. I think that 150 hours is better for my situation. I can't go out for a few days, plus it gives me time to hire a van and possibly a driver as well. I may be up to driving by then, I'll see how I feel when I have a delivery date.

Lets go ahead then, on that basis.

I'm afraid I can't visit any moneygram office. I spent Tuesday night in hospital, on account of a minor incident, and am under 24/7 monitoring. I even have a care worker watch that I don't fall over when I visit the bathroom! Give me an account I can pay with my online banking. I can do that from my room. It must be one that works. Your DHL colleague gave me a couple that didn't work and caused a whole load of trouble. It took 10 mins on the phone with customer services this morning, plus 15 mins waiting for them to pick up the phone, to get my account restored to normal. Please don't cause me any more aggravation like that.

I'm glad we are almost done.

Sincerely
Bert Goodman
DHL Express -> Bert pig4!
OFFICIAL LETTER FROM DHL Special Delivery Division.

Dear Mr Goodman,
This delivery is required to be activated immediately so we can issue your Special Tracking number to you, you are required to proceed with the payment immediately.

Cashier Unit Payment Account.
xxx bank
Account name: xxx
Account : xxx
Routing Number: xxx
Amount; $1,780
Address: xxx

After which you are to get back to me with an attachment of the payment slip so I can confirm your payment and have your parcel delivered to you at once by your preferred means of delivery.

Get back to us ASAP to avoid delays.

Yours Faithfully
Noel Oscar

Here comes the chop & FBI....

Unexpectedly, Bert gets another mail from Ross, telling him that the FBI are now involved. investigating fraud at DHL Home divison.

Ross -> Bert
On Fri, Jul 10, 2020 at 7:42 AM Edmund Ross <****> wrote:

************* URGENT ACTION REQUIRED **********************
************* PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS MESSAGE ************

DHL Secure Western Europe

Dear Mr Goodman,

I've not heard from you now for several days, so I do not know how things have moved forward regarding your delivery.

I have URGENT and CRITICAL new informations for your IMMEDIATE ACTION!

We have just been contacted by the FBI who are investigating the vanishings of DHL Home Delivery packages. Several DHL Home Delivery customers have been tricked into paying for high value items that never arrive. Your name is 2nd on a list of 8 names under investigation! The people you are dealing with are indisputably rouges and charlatans attempting to trick you for their own nefarious porpoises.

You MUST NOT make any payment to DHL Home Delivery. If you do, your money will be lost, with no prospect of recovery.

Again, I urge you to make your payment to us immediately, before you consignment goes missing. Use the payment details I previously supplied.

I hope it is not too late for you to act on this new information.

Sincerely
Edmund Ross

Regional Director
DHL Secure Western Europe
At mention of FBI involvement, Bert panics and immediately pays Ross. He forwards Ross' acknowledgement to J0HN C W1LL1AM explaining what's happened.

Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Dear Mr William,

I've just been contacted again by Mr Edmund Ross.

Please read below carefully. The situation is more serious than I had imagined. The FBI are now involved.

Fortunately, this news reached me just before I paid the delivery people you have engaged. I've had a very close escape.

My friend, you must cease your dealings with those delivery people immediately in case the FBI suspect that you are knowingly somehow involved. I'll keep you updated if I get any further details.

Regards
Bert



---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Edmund Ross <***>
Date: Fri, Jul 10, 2020 at 10:06 AM
Subject: Re: DHL Secure Western Europe: SCAM ALERT URGENT!
To: Bert Goodman <***>


************* URGENT ACTION REQUIRED **********************
************* PLEASE DO NOT FORWARD THIS MESSAGE ************

DHL Secure Western Europe


Dear Mr Goodman,

I acknowledge receipt of your £3500 payment. I have just sent instructions to our delivery team to ship your consignment immediately.

Once your consignment arrives in the UK, there will be an additional charge for the road transport from London Heathrow to your residence. I can contact you at that time for the 2nd and final charge, once we know the exact amount. Alternatively, if you would care to provide your credit card details, we can take payment in due course without further troubling you. Please let me know your preference.

The FBI will be contacting you personally for a full statement at a later date. I would advise you to make notes covering the key points and dates of the fraud attempted against you, whilst it is still fresh in your memory.

Sincerely
Edmund Ross

Regional Director
DHL Secure Western Europe


On Friday, 10 July 2020, 09:50:18 BST, Bert Goodman wrote:


Dear Mr Ross,

Thank you so much for alerting me to this danger. I was going to pay DHL Home today. Fortunately I checked my mail first.
Do you know if the FBI will be needing any information from me? I haven't heard from them directly yet.
I've just paid your £3500 invoice. The transaction completed without complaint from my bank this time. I'd be grateful if you could acknowledge receipt.

Sincerely
Bert Goodman
J0HN C W1LL1AM tells Bert that he's been robbed, although Bert doesn't immediately understand what's happened.

J0HN C W1LL1AM-> Bert:
Thanks for the update.
Dear Mr Goodman, I Mr John is the person who informed you about your funds at the Federal Reserve Bank of New York where I'm honored as the manager,.
To be honest with you,I told you previously that the so-called DHL Secure Western Europe has nothing to do with your funds,rather they are only interested in any way by any means to get you ripped off,.
Come to think of this:
They reside in Europe,while your fund is here in New York.
You are the first person who contacted them about this fund.
Now they have seized the chance as the opportunity to satisfy their selfish desire which is to take away something that was never theirs.
I'm hereby telling you not to respond to that email address nor their fake formed FBI email which they claimed to contact you,and never you give away your bank information to anyone because you might risk your entire life savings while doing this.
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
What? I'm really confused now.
Are you saying that I've been robbed?
J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
Yes!,you have been 100% robbed!!!
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Oh dear. I thought I was doing the right thing there.
I've not given them my credit card details for the final part of the delivery.
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
I'm really worried now. I'll contact my bank right now to see if the payment can be retracted. As a banker yourself, do you think that's possible?
I wish I'd listened to your advice in the first place.
At last some sensible advice:

J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
Do that very fast!
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Just got off the phone with them. The payment has gone through.

There is a slight glimmer of hope. Transactions made through my bank are insured, up to a value of £10,000. Loss through fraud is covered, although customers are expected to be reasonably cautious. I may possibly qualify. I won't know their decision for maybe a month.

I'll be ok as I have quite a bit in savings but it's annoying to have been taken as such a fool.

Thank you for all your help.

Bert
So Bert still has money that J0HN C W1LL1AM wants to get his hands on.

J0HN C W1LL1AM -> Bert:
I'm sorry for the loss,but at least it serves as a lesson,this will teach you how to deal with this fund if you finally received it.
Now meet the DHL Special Delivery Division and make the payment of the $1,780.00 let's proceed with this, because they informed me that you have been given account.
Bert -> J0HN C W1LL1AM
Dear Mr Wi11iams

I apologize for wasting so much of your time, especially after you have been so helpful.

I need to take a pause now, I'm too distressed to deal with any more business today. I have to wait to hear what the bank says about my insurance cover. Plus, my account is now locked. Again.

Should have stayed in bed.

Bert
Last edited by Dissolute Dan on Thu Jul 16, 2020 4:23 pm, edited 23 times in total.

User avatar
bikeatl77
**WARNED**
Posts: 150
Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2020 8:15 pm
Location: Reading porn to the blind

Re: The tale of a chopper, a chop the FBI & 4 pigs

Post by bikeatl77 » Fri Jul 10, 2020 11:01 pm

LOL! Great bait. I will say that he does follow your breadcrumb trail of bullspit fairly efficiently...at least for a lad anyway. Potentially fake DHL divisions, the omnipotent yet oddly incompetent FBI, a super cautious and overly detail-oriented baiting character are fantastic ingredients to unleash when making a nice batch of creamy and delicious "mayhem bait soup"! Asking if insurance was inclusive designed to get your greedy lad to step deeper into his own pile of crap so as to tack on additional bogus charges to an already fictitious sum of dosh was a really thoughtful touch :) I bet he is infinitely thankful for having met you :lol:

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Dissolute Dan
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Posts: 22
Joined: Mon Jun 22, 2020 9:52 pm
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Re: The tale of a chopper, a chop the FBI & 4 pigs

Post by Dissolute Dan » Sat Jul 11, 2020 4:12 pm

Was wondering how much to edit things down to present in an entertaining format. I omitted quite a bit.

I seem to get a lot of very short exchanges that go, I think, to establish my character's credibility from the scammer's perspective. Editing the story down too much might loose that.

I've omitted entirely the mysterious mails JCW received offering a business arrangement with payment in bitcoin.

When it's proposed to deliver Bert's $10M by helicopter, I thought these guys had sussed me & were now joking. Is there no idea too insane?

User avatar
bikeatl77
**WARNED**
Posts: 150
Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2020 8:15 pm
Location: Reading porn to the blind

Re: The tale of a chopper, a chop the FBI & 4 pigs

Post by bikeatl77 » Sat Jul 11, 2020 5:37 pm

Is there no idea too insane?
Probably not as long as the hook you got them to swallow is properly set. Entire universes have been created for some lads that completely bought into a bait. Ghosts of former girlfriends who could temporarily take over the bodies of mortals, a hotel manager that turned out to be an ancient gay warlord vampire, and a snake bitten Tina Turner hiding in a tree with a solar powered laptop are just a few examples of Eater craziness :lol:

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DerekTrotter1981
419 Eater is My Life
Posts: 274
Joined: Mon Jun 22, 2020 10:07 pm
Location: United Kingdom

Re: The tale of a chopper, a chop the FBI & 4 pigs

Post by DerekTrotter1981 » Sat Jul 11, 2020 5:43 pm

:lol:

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Claus Shaeve
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Posts: 24
Joined: Thu Jun 11, 2020 10:13 pm
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Re: The tale of a chopper, a chop the FBI & 4 pigs

Post by Claus Shaeve » Wed Jul 15, 2020 7:21 pm

Great baiting, well played sir! 8-)
:$_lad: x19
:$_crd: x6

"And please stop telling everybody that you want to receive money because of eye brows, envy and jealousy, until you receive your money in your account, then you can tell them" ~ Kelly Craft, US Ambassador to the UN (probably)

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