Lad applies for membership of my church

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TheDane
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Lad applies for membership of my church

Post by TheDane » Sat Mar 18, 2023 11:51 pm

This asem was sent (a slightly modified ripoff from the old Kevin Tony Williams bait by Jojobean back in 2004-6, I think):
Rev. David Crockett wrote:I am very pleased to find your email in my inbox. I would like you to know that I am the pastor of a church and I am very interested in your proposition. My church has many means by which we can distribute funds. You and your family seem like a worthy cause, God Bless You!

Now, as for possible fees that may come along with the transaction, my church can cover them. However, we can only cover a small amount, up to $93,500 USD. Our church gives annually about 10.3 million in charitable givings every year. We have a few churches around the country and we are definitely looking for new ways to make money. As it is getting to be the end of the year over there, it is also getting to be the end of the year in my neck of the woods. We have left in our donations account the $93,500 that I mentioned earlier. Off of the top of my head, I cannot remember exactly when our fiscal year ends, but it is definitely soon. Now, your case is definitely a bit different than most cases that we work with, since we would be getting some money in return. We will have to handle this a little differently.

I will need a bit more detail about how you would like to proceed with this transaction. Our standard procedures will be discussed when I hear more.

Looking forward to hearing from you
Rev. Crockett
Among the replies I got, was this:
Joseph Diara wrote:Hello Rev Crockett

Thanks for your email which indicated your interest. You can help in this transaction by working with me and following my instruction till the end and we shall meet ourselves in your country as soon as you confirm the receipt of the fund.

Therefore, as stated in my business transaction, you are going to be the next of kin to the late client and all relevant documents shall be in your name or company's name and address and same shall be forwarded to you for your perusal and record purposes and the payment shall be from the federal government of Nigeria payment bank.

What i need from you to commence this transaction legally is your full name or company's name and address and your direct phone lines. Once i receive it from you, i shall use them to apply and obtain all legal documents backing you as the next of kin to the late client and when completed copies shall be sent to you and the other copies shall be sent to the payment bank who shall contact you for the legal release of the fund to you.

I am looking forward to working with you and meet you face to face in your country after the release of the fund to you. Please, note there that no risk is involved in this transaction and all the payment modalities shall go through the legal Channel and you are required to keep everything strictly to yourself..

Waiting to hear from you asap today.
My Regards,
Mr Joseph Diara
Rev. Crockett promptly replied:
Rev. David Crockett wrote:I am glad to hear back from you. You are right, this is a divine appointment. God will truly bless our transaction. As I stated before, in order to receive your $93,500, you must become a member of our organization. Do you wish to become a member? If you have any questions about our faith, you are welcome to ask or to refer to our website for any information you might need. Some of the site is not functioning correctly because of the recent hurricanes, and due to this it is going through maintenance.

However, your account has been set up with the $93,500 for when you become a member of Hollow Church of Holy Smoke. We will go through with the transaction as soon as your induction is over. Our particular location is in Orlando, FL though we have about 300 churches across the nation. We are still recovering from recent hurricane damage down here, so please pray for us. Email me soon.

If you want to become a member and be entitled to the donation for your orphanage, kindly reply back, and I will forward the official application form to you, and instruct you about the requirements.

God bless your soul
Sincerely,
Rev. Crockett
That caused him to begin going off-script:
Joseph Diara wrote:Hello Rev Crockett,

Thanks for the mail you sent and is well understood. How do you intend to induct me as a member of your church without my presence? Secondly how do you intend to set up an account in my name with out proper identification of myself? I am a christian and since your church is also of God there is no problem becoming a member worshiping in truth and spirit and be faithful.

On the transaction we need to act fast and not to waste much time because of the nature so if you have read my mails carefully you need to work with me while your arrangement on other things will take you some time to complete.

Therefore, as i said in my mail yesterday i need your full name and address and your current phone number that is working and on receipt of them i will use it to apply, process and obtain all the legal papers that will cover you as the Next of Kin of the fund and your identification must be included. Please, must be kept very confidential because i am still in active service in government. My direct phone line is 234-XXX-XX-XXXX.

Waiting to hear from you asap today.
Regards,
Joseph Diara
The good reverend explained it to him:
Rev. David Crockett wrote:Dear Mr. Diara,

Thank you for your kind letter.
First of all, let me correct a misunderstandig of yours. We give away donations, we don't receive them. This is a very important distinction, not only in terms of ethics, but also in terms of legality, According to local legislation, it is not allowed, unless we pay full taxes, and the paperwork alone is staggering. So no, we are not interested in any donation from you.
As for your questions, the induction will take place after you filling an application form, and performing a small ritual. It is quite simple and easy, but I will give you the instructions when I have received the application form and it has been approved by the church board - the latter is merely a formality. We have succesfully inducted people of faith around the globe this way since 2003. In the age of the internet, even a church like ours has to adapt and take a step into the modern world.
You are absolutely correct, we shouldn't waste time, so I have attached the application form for your convenience, and I will follow up with a phone call this afternoon after mass, in case you might have questions.

Halleluja!
Sincerely,Rev. David Crockett
He responded positively:
Joseph Diara wrote:Hello Rev Crockett,

I have received your mail and i will print out the form and fill it correctly as you specified and return it by email attachment from a business center before the end of this week. that transaction i proposed to you does not require you pay tax on it and that fund when successfully released to your account is purely for investment after we have shared the fund. So think about it and let me know today. you don't need to involve the church but could be done on your own if you desire.

My Regards,
Joseph Diara.
That made the good reverend quote happy.
Rev. David Crockett wrote:Dear Mr. Diara,

I am thrilled to learn of your desire to join our flock. You will immediately be entitled to the aforementioned amount after your initiation has been completed. Please, let me know if you have any question regarding the form.

I am afraid that you are wrong about the taxation. According to state as well as federal law, we are not allowed to accept donations. We are a charity organisation, and should we accept money from non-members, we would no longer qualify as a charity, and we would have to pay the same taxes as a commecial company.
As for involving the church, I have given my life to Jesus, our Lord and Savior, and I have taken the wow of poverty, and as such I enjoy no private life, and it would be a sin for me to own money that the church doesn't know about. The little material wealth I enjoy is provided for my by the church.

I look forward to hear back from you, and meanwhile, we will be preparing the 93,500$ for you. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask, and I will do my best to accomodate you, either by mail or phone.

Sincerely, Rev. David Crockett
Then, the next day, he went totally off script.
Joseph Diara wrote:Dear Rev. David Crockett,

Thanks for the mail. I am taking my time in making sure i print out the form and fill it accurately as demanded by you and after that i will return it by email attachment. I am very sorry to ask for this little help from you and i hope you will not say sorry and no to me or my request from the bottom of my heart.

Here in Nigeria, our government has been making things very difficult for we the workers and the entire citizens as a whole.No cash because of their cashless policy and crowd everywhere in banks and no money or cash in the ATM Points.

For now i hope you can help me and my family because we some cash to hold on till it settles down here in Nigeria probably after the General elections coming up.Waiting to hear from you today.Please, no amount is too small

My Regards,
Joseph Diara
That was surprising... he resorted to begging surprisingly fast. :lol:
But alas...
Rev. David Crockett wrote:Dear Mr. Diara,

I am sure that we can arrange an advance payment for you. This will, however, be deducted from your donation total. I am allowed to make a transfer of up to 5.000 $ (US), but I cannot do it before you have become a member. Such are the rules of the church, and it is above me to give despensation to this. The good news is, that as soon as you complete the initiation, I have the power of attorney to send you an express transfer. We use MoneyGram for practical reason, as there is a MoneyGram kiosk quite close to the church, just 10 minutes walk down the street.

I will prepare this transaction, so as soon as the application reaches me and the initiation rites has been completed, I can go and send you the money.
Meanwhile, I suggest that you work on the application, so we can get you the help you need with Godspeed.

Lord bless you! Amen.
Rev. David Crockett
Joseph Diara wrote:Dear Rev. David Crockett,

Thanks for the mail you sent which i do understand the contents. There is no problem as i am already working on it and hopefully i will try to complete and send it to you this week. Looking to hearing from you asap.
regards,
Joseph Diara
He wanted to hear from me ASAP, so I went silent.

Two days went. Then, yesterday...
Joseph Diara wrote:Hello/Attn: Rev Crockett

Rev,

That is it and it is attached. go through all carefully and fulfill as promised.

Thank you and my Regards to all.

Mr. Joseph Diara
Attached:
Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image Image ImageImage Image Image Image Image Image


So I kept silent, and went to sleepwith a smile. :D

This morning:
Joseph Diara wrote:Hello Rev,

I have sent the filled form by email attachment yesterday evening my time in Nigeria. Did you receive it? I am waiting for your response asap.
Regards,
Joseph Diara
I responded:
Rev. David Crockett wrote:Dear Mr. Diara,

I can confirm that I received the form, and I will present it to the board on their next meeting Tuesday. So I should hopefully have som good news for you Tuesday evening.

The Lord has blessed this happy day
Sincerely,
Rev. David Crockett
He responded a bit short of words... :lol:
Joseph Diara wrote:Rev,

Thanks for your mail. I will be waiting to hear the good news from and the HCHS.
Regards,
Joseph Diara.
Yeah, I would like to bring him some good news. Unfortunately, I forgot to give him proper instructions regarding the photo, so it's very likely that his application has to be redone. :twisted:
Last edited by TheDane on Sun Mar 19, 2023 10:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Lad applies for membership of my church

Post by Kitty La Gore » Sun Mar 19, 2023 1:58 am

This lad has some promise - nice trophies!! :D
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Re: Lad applies for membership of my church

Post by Myon359 » Mon Mar 20, 2023 9:56 pm

The boat may have flown, but perhaps you can tell him that the form needs to be redone in normal ink pen due to one of the elders being farsighted and colorblind. :?:
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Re: Lad applies for membership of my church

Post by TheDane » Wed Mar 22, 2023 7:45 pm

A little update. Got this today from the lad.
Joseph Diara wrote:Hello Rev,

Good morning to you and the entire HCHS. i have not heard from you as you promised to reach me yesterday, i hope all is well. Waiting to hear from you asap today.
Joseph Diara
So I replied in a postive tone: :D
Rev. Corckett wrote:Dear Mr. Diara,

Everything is well, but I didn't get any feedback from the board regarding the applications until this morning, which is why I haven't written you before.
Regarding your application, the board is generally positive. However, they are asking for you to correct a small detail regarding your photo. It seems that I forgot to instruct you to use a photo with inherent identification, which I apologize deeply for. I usually instruct the applicants about this, and also give the applications a quality check before fowarding the applications, but in your case I just sent it to the board without looking at it. Again, I apologize.
Nevertheless, I need to ask you to replace the photo in which you hold a piece of paper or cardboard, with a handwritten code on it. The code must be "Hollow Church of Holy Smoke - B8 me". Since we are doing this over the internet, this is the only means we have to be sure of the identity of an applicant. So please replace the photo as instructed and resubmit the form. I have been promised that your case will be given extra priority as soon as this is taken care of.
Again, my apologies.

The Holy Spirit will aid you, brother.
Sincerely,
Rev. D. Crockett
The lad pronptly replied: :lol:
Hello Rev,

How do you by inherent identification? i think you can explain it to me fully. to resend the application form again is money and i told earlier that i don't have money at all that i simply asked you for help financially. therefore, if you want me to resend the form then you will have to send the money to do it again. the first one cost me about 40 thousand naira nigerian money.
Regards,
Joseph Diara
40,000 Naira is about 85 dollars. I don't believe that for a second, of course. :lol:

He probably won't like my reply... :D
Rev. D. Crockett wrote:Dear Mr. Diara,

The identification photo is quite simple, so let me outline it for you:
  • Write the code "Hollow Church of Holy Smoke - B8 me" on a piece of paper, cardboard or similar.
  • Hold the paper while you take a photo of yourself with your phone, or have a friend help you take the photo.
  • Replace the previous photo on page 2 of the application with the new one, and resend it all to me.
As for sending you money, I have already explained to you, that it is not possible until you obtain membership, according to the church manifesto. I have already offered an advance payment of 5,000 $ immediately after obtaining membership. The best I can do is to offer the addition of 85 $, which I believe is equivalent of 40,000 Naira, to your advance payment, so it will amount to 5,085 $.

I pray that you will overcome your obstacles.

Amen.
Sincerely,
Rev. D. Crockett
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Re: Lad applies for membership of my church

Post by TheDane » Thu Mar 23, 2023 2:49 pm

And more blabla from the lad. :lol:
Joseph Diara wrote:Hello Rev,

I have received your and the contents well understood. i honestly believe you are a man of God and the same applicable to our church which i pray that i shall become a fully new member by the grace of God almighty. I will exactly do as you have directed in your mail immediately i receive the 40 thousand Nigerian money as quickly as possible before the end of this week.

Therefore, i want you to send the money through the information stated below either through western union or money gran or any money transfer and i will receive it as far as you send it correctly as stated.

Receivers Name: CHIZIM BENJAMIN ORDU
Address: LAGOS-NIGERIA
Text Question: WHAT FOR
Text Answer: HCHS.

Immediately you send it forward the payment information used including the senders name and the MTCN to enable me receive it.

Please, note that i do not have the required identity to receive the
money presently because all has expired waiting renewal.
Regards,
Joseph Diara.
The good reverent began to grow a bit leary.
Rev. Crockett wrote:Mr. Diara,

I believe that I adressed the matter of advance payment in my previous mail. Kindly re-read it, it should answer your request.
Let me add, that we don't pay applicants for applying. Payment will be made upon becoming a member only.

May the Lord guide you.
Sincerely,
Rev. D. Crockett
The lad sent another weepy mail. :lol:
Joseph Diara wrote:Hello Rev,

Thanks for the mail. so does it mean you don't even help non members? As a man of God i think you should be helping people no matter the circumstances it may be. How am i sure you will fulfill your promise, because i did what you asked me to do from the bottom of my heart and i did not know that there will be another problem caused by you.

The money i used in making sure that i printed 28 page document and sending were borrowed and till now i have not paid it back and now you want me to borrow another money to do another one more difficult than the first one, so how do i get the money to pursue it? I have explained my financial difficulties to you and i expected you to help so that everything will go on smoothly.

My Regards,
Joseph Diara
But his tears fell on barren ground.
Rev. Crockett wrote:Dear mr. Diara,

Yes, that is what it means. As much as I sympatize with your case, it is not me who define the rules of the church. That is the prerogative of the arch bishop, so there is nothing I can do. As Jesus Christ, our lord and savior, once said: "Let the poor come to me, and I shall shower them with riches". In our interpretation, this means that the poor needs to become a church member, and when they do, we will do everything to aid them. If I break the church rules, it would make me a heretic. So while I understand your plea, there is very little I could do to change the situation. And yes, I am painfully aware that I am at fault for this. The High Inquisitor has scheduled me for a corrective conversation, which could have consequences for me and my current position. So don't think that I have no difficulties, either.
I don't see how the second one is more difficult, as you just need top swap the original photo with the required one. As for money, I have already promised that they will be added to your advance payment, so if you can borrow some more, you will soon be able to pay everything back.

God help us both
Sincerely,
Rev. D. Crockett
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I AM A FOOL AND I AM SO DISAPPOINTED - Brother Okei AKA Goat Milk Lad

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Re: Lad applies for membership of my church

Post by Bertje » Thu Mar 23, 2023 2:58 pm

Imagine having to borrow money to print 28 pages.....

Good thing that, once he is a full member, all those money problems will be gone!
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