ASEM Format Confuses Lad

[Madlib_629]

Thank you for the compliments! More crazy stuff is on the way.

So something very interesting has occurred. A few days back, Calvin had suggested introducing someone else in Nigeria to the church. May said she'd look into it and never bothered to look into the offer again. Then suddenly, on April 4th, the Church gets this letter out of the blue. Mind you, this is a brand new church address no other lad than Calvin and presumably his bald friend know about:

Hello ma/sir,
My name is innocent. I am from Nigeria in west Africa.
I have been looking up the Church of the old Gods online and i must say that i am interested.
I want to be a member and i want to be a disciple and learn the doctrines.

I hope to hear from you soon.
Happy Easter.
Best regards.

This is clearly Calvin or his friend taking matters into their own hands since May isn't sending free money and writing the Gospel of John was straight misery. Worse yet, the email address is something like "[email protected]" - clearly a lad addy. So I waited and replied back after the holiday:

Dearest Friend Innocent:

Good morning to you from sunny southside Denver and may you be blessed. Your message gave me much joy as we are currently very interested in spreading the word of the Old Gods to the people of Africa. There are so many that have not yet heard the power and glory of the Old Gods, but with the amount of converts we have coming in, I can feel in my bones that the Old Gods are causing a revival in the region. Please tell me which city you live in in Nigeria and how long you have researched the Old Gods? What are your goals from joining our church? I would love to know more about you yourself as well.

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

"Innocent" replied within an hour:

Thank you for your email,
I must say that i am really surprised to hear from you as i didnt think my email will get a reply.

I have researched for about 1 month now until i was able to get the details to contact you.
First i feel in my spirit that i have a big calling for this as Nigeria is the most populous country in Africa and i believe deeply in my bones that God wants me to make a difference by preaching His words.
I will like to learn about the Church of the Old Gods so i can be knowledgeable enough to carry out the goodness and good news to the rest of my brothers and sisters in Africa.
I understand atleast two Nigerian languages apart from English so i believe i will reach many tribes.
I am also a university graduate.
I live in both Abuja and Lagos.

I hope God gives me the strength to serve Him until the end.

Thank you .

Sounds like a good candidate. Let's string him up!

Dearest Friend Innocent:

You are very welcome, and yes, we do try to respond to all mail we get here as it's the courteous thing to do. It would be very hardhearted of me if I ignored a searching sheep in favor of doing something else with my time.

It is true that when the call of the Old Gods comes upon us, that feeling cannot be ignored, my son. It is a force driving the seeker onto greater things, and filling him with the light of truth that can only come from up above. The fantastic news that you feel so strongly about spreading the message throughout your region is proof that you have entered a higher level of enlightenment which could've only come from the Old Gods. As I said in one of my previous emails, we have been getting many people seeking to start following the Church of the Old Gods from your region. One person is in Ghana, and there is another one in Nigeria like yourself.

I have high hopes for you my son, your passion drips through your very letters. This is the start of a major breakthrough of the holy knowledge falling out in the sky over Africa, I can feel it inside me. So I will ask you the crucial question. Are you ready to learn the ways of the Old Gods? Are you prepared to take part in this Journey of Enlightenment that awaits you? Are you prepared to pass through the Stages of Faith in order to become a full member within our glorious church? If so, then I will prepare the First Stage of your membership.

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

Side note - I have no idea how I talk all this nonsense. Some is copypasta, the rest is my own brain.

Innocent replied:

Yes, I am ready.
Please prepare the first stage let me start immediately.
Thank you

So this morning, I sent along the form:

Dearest Friend Innocent:

Good morning to you and thank you so much for your response. We shall immediately commence with the process of you becoming a reverend. I would like to state that before we start that, it is of course necessary that you also become a member of the Church of the Old Gods. As a devoted parishioner, you are advised to fill out the attached form, handwritten please, and send it back. It is just a formality before we can start your installment as a local reverend, my son,, so I humbly request that you please fill out the form attached to this email,, and send a scanned or clearly photographed copy back to me at your earliest convenience. I shall be waiting for your presentation of the complete form.

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

With that, I left Innocent to do whatever he wants

At the same time, Calvin is slowly coming back to ground level after yesterday's tantrum:

May [4/7/26 7:56 AM]
Good morning

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:16 AM]
Good morning

May [4/7/26 8:19 AM]
Anething hapening yet?

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:29 AM]
Nothing

May [4/7/26 8:30 AM]
Okie dokie, hows your day?

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:31 AM]
Though I don't check on their email anymore

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:31 AM]
As I am not happy about it

May [4/7/26 8:32 AM]
What hapened, did they insalt you?

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:32 AM]
I am focusing to recover money i lost

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:32 AM]
I left my job for this

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:33 AM]
I got old emails from them but I didn't check

May [4/7/26 8:33 AM]
Your going to get the money back onse this is done

May [4/7/26 8:34 AM]
Im unsure what you men with the old emales?

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:34 AM]
I got some email from them about Mike okonma but I didn't open it

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:35 AM]
Maybe you help me with the next task while I work

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:35 AM]
So I don't have to ask you for money before the money comes in

May [4/7/26 8:36 AM]
Of corse im always arond somwere unles im not

May [4/7/26 8:36 AM]
Send the emale from the church plase i need to here abot it

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:36 AM]
No

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:36 AM]
I do not have that time

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 8:36 AM]
I can't lose that time anymore

May [4/7/26 8:36 AM]
Okie dokie, see you when you find it, have a good day

May has a life to live and is not in the mood for this garbage today.

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 9:34 AM]
He forwarded the church email finally, this one from a few days ago:

Dearest Friend Solomon:

Thank you for sending the files. However, they all came as Google Drive links and I don't have permission to open them. If you could please resend the files as normal attachments, that would be greatly appreciated my son.

Also, thank you so much for asking. Mr. Mike Okonma was suggested to us by a young man in town, a Mr. Mark Weather. He is currently quite far along with his membership process and we believe he will be an excellent fit for us. But returning to your project, praise be to the Old Gods that you have concluded! I am most excited to see your writings, my son.

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

May accepts this and asks the required questions:

May [4/7/26 11:30 AM]
Thank you

May [4/7/26 11:31 AM]
Did you resend what he whated?

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 12:13 PM]
Yes

May [4/7/26 4:03 PM]
Okie dokie thats grate

May [4/7/26 4:03 PM]
I dont kno any mark wether wich is bad

May [4/7/26 4:04 PM]
There are sevrel other options here wich cold be whats hapening. i wil have to look into this

May [4/7/26 4:04 PM]
Do you recognize the name?

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 4:08 PM]
I don't know any mark weather too

May [4/7/26 4:08 PM]
I dednt think so

May [4/7/26 4:08 PM]
I will find who this is by friday and if there in town i wil have somone get rid of them

May [4/7/26 4:10 PM]
I dont liek pepole who try to ruin things for me or frends of mine like you and this is a dificulty wich i wil have to take care of soon

That was just to throw a cheap bone for Mark.

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 4:29 PM]
We have evidence to spoil things for Mike

Calvin Klein [4/7/26 4:29 PM]
He scammed your uncle

May [4/7/26 7:24 PM]
That is true

May [4/7/26 7:24 PM]
I will ponder

May [4/7/26 7:24 PM]
After a comic book

After a comic book in this case means "after tomorrow". So May won't get back to him until tomorrow morning. And the church itself won't get back until Thursday morning, so we are in a nice spot where we can brainstorm.

[Punchbox]

Next, do the Gospel of Luke for this new lad, it's nearly 2x as long as John

[Madlib_629]

I just might. Meanwhile, the church has finally gotten back to Calvin:

Dearest Friend Solomon:

Good morning to you my son! As I had said, I did indeed communicate with the elders last night after our Wednesday Services. We read through your whole manuscript. And as to your membership. I am most heartened to tell you that the Elders were absolutely smitten with your writings my son. They have approved your Stage 2! I am happy to tell you that you may now begin Stage 3: Monument of Faith.

This will be a sacred monument that will be erected in the name of the Old Gods. You will need cement. Can you get cement? Bricks and dried mud will work, but construction is much quicker with cement. Let me know about your access to cement and I will write to you soonest with details on proper construction of the Monument of Faith my son.

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

To my delight, Calvin replied pretty quickly:

Yes i think i can buy those.
What do i need to construct with it?

I thought he told May he was broke

Dearest Friend Solomon:

That sounds excellent. Since you are so zealous to continue, it is my honor to present to you Stage 3: The Monument of Faith!

This monument resembles the spiritual basis on which you build your new faith. You will have to build a pyramid with the dimensions of the base 10 feet (3 meters) and with the same height. The materials used will need to be cement bags or sandbags. This is a sacred monument of our Faith and not only that, but a remembrance to the deliverance of God's people from the grip of Pharaoh in ancient Egypt. On the top of the pyramid you will place a sign with the name of our church. Next to the pyramid, a bench should be built for the believers to sit and pray. For the bench you can use bricks, cement, wood or any kind of available material.

Please don't hesitate to ask me if you need clarification. If needed, I can attach sketches, blueprints, or photographs of what you are to construct my son. It would be my pleasure to help.

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

He probably will demand photos soon. If anyone around here does have photos/blueprints of one of those monuments of faith, please send them over. The links on the old forum are unfortunately broken.

[Bait-a Ray Bill]

I know I saw a good example in my recent meanderings around the forums, but I don't recall where I saw it... I did find a few examples that still have pics that work, but they are smaller than what you are asking your lad for.


Found in the new forum:
https://aff.419eater.com/viewtopic.php? ... ment#p7810
https://aff.419eater.com/viewtopic.php? ... t&start=50


Found in the old forum:
https://forum.419eater.com/viewtopic.ph ... h&start=50
https://forum.419eater.com/viewtopic.ph ... &start=150

[Madlib_629]

So, spoiler alert - @Bait-a Ray Bill did help with the photos for the monument. However, we might not get a monument soon, or at all. Not all is lost though despite a rebellion today:

May [4/10/26 2:44 AM]
Good morning dear

May [4/10/26 10:07 AM]
Good morning to you, how is your day?

Calvin Klein [4/10/26 10:13 AM]
How are you doing

May [4/10/26 10:14 AM]
Im okay. the llm model has ben abel to make beter detales then before so the project is a suces

May [4/10/26 10:14 AM]
How is our project with the church?

Calvin Klein [4/10/26 10:49 AM]
Well I am still waiting for them to send me a picture of what they want me to construct

I then sent the photos to him at this time from the church, and he forwarded them to May:

Calvin Klein [4/10/26 1:51 PM]
<sent images of concrete monument at church>

Calvin Klein [4/10/26 1:52 PM]
<sent images of concrete monument at church>

Calvin Klein [4/10/26 1:52 PM]
<sent images of concrete monument at church>

Calvin Klein [4/10/26 2:02 PM]
That's what they want me to construct

May [4/10/26 3:56 PM]
Wow

May [4/10/26 3:56 PM]
What did you tell them?

Calvin Klein [4/10/26 3:56 PM]
Nothing

That is a lie. He replied back to the church:

Okay I have seen it , I will work on it.
This looks like Africa .
Where was it built ?

I plan on telling him Mozambique perhaps.

And once again, May simply does not care:

May [4/10/26 3:57 PM]
This loks achevable. Onse its done we can get the money

Calvin Klein [4/10/26 5:09 PM]
Yes but it needs money

Calvin Klein [4/10/26 5:10 PM]
Land, cement, sand , bricks , bags

May [4/10/26 8:50 PM]
Okie dokie, how long wil it take?

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 3:41 AM]
Where will I see money to buy land and the rest ?

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 3:41 AM]
You don't expect me to do that alone for something you and I will benefit

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 3:42 AM]
We have to work together baby

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 3:42 AM]
You bring some money and I bring too

Yeah. May will not be happy or compliant when she replies in the morning:

May [4/11/26 7:24 AM]
Good morning

May [4/11/26 7:25 AM]
Find a frend or somone over there and borow it. or try and get the church to raise the funds for you

May [4/11/26 7:28 AM]
Im sory but in case theres ben a mistayke we did agree that you get the culty pepole to pay and ill handel transfering the cash onse there done

May [4/11/26 7:29 AM]
So your going to need me regerdles of what hapens and this blonde knos shes worth the wate. thank you

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 7:52 AM]
I see where you stand now

May [4/11/26 7:53 AM]
Perfect. What plans do you have for this than?

Queue the lad tantrum:

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 8:09 AM]
For now I am not gonna do it dear

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 8:09 AM]
I am been poorer than I was since I started

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 8:10 AM]
Your uncle was supposed to pay me for helping out figure out he was scammed

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 8:11 AM]
I lost that and others because of you baby . You told me you would look for a way to pay me more

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 8:11 AM]
Well here I am . Lost more money already because I pulsed working and writing the Bible verse

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 8:12 AM]
I am just gonna go back to stuffs I do before now . If I eventually change my mind I will let you know

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 8:12 AM]
But for nothing I am pulling out

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 8:12 AM]
Seems to me like I am being used

Yeah. More or less, you kind of ARE being used. Bright idea. But oh well - May, yet again, does NOT care:

May [4/11/26 8:30 AM]
Okie dokie, enjoy yourself

May [4/11/26 8:30 AM]
Ill be at the market , text me wen your in a beter mood

May [4/11/26 8:40 AM]
Oh i forgot. do you want me to bring you anething from the market today?

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 9:34 AM]
Like what ? iTunes card ? Yes I want iTunes card

May [4/11/26 9:38 AM]
They dont sell them here thouh

May asked that for no other reason than the fun of making Calvin mad.

After thinking over things for a while, and researching older baits, I decided I might as well try for a safari and get rid of the guy if he's too broke or lazy to build a monument:

May [4/11/26 9:58 AM]
I think i have a way to make us both hapy and get you payed quiker

May [4/11/26 9:58 AM]
Have a good day, mesage me wen you can

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 10:18 AM]
Tell me about it

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 10:18 AM]
What's the way

May [4/11/26 12:06 PM]
Will mesage you wen i get to sit down

May [4/11/26 12:07 PM]
Its some Quik money i think shold help you and if you dont liek things you can quit after

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 12:07 PM]
Okay tell me about it

May [4/11/26 1:30 PM]
Okie dokie

May [4/11/26 1:30 PM]
Im siting here now so its good

May [4/11/26 1:31 PM]
I dont want you mad at me for waisted taim so im thinking of bringing in my frend dark avenger and leting him help you out

May [4/11/26 1:31 PM]
Its a day of work and you can make 10k or soemthing like that easy

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 1:32 PM]
What will he help me with

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 1:32 PM]
Tell me more

May [4/11/26 1:33 PM]
Dark avenger knos a Western Union director in wrstern Afrika. and theres money you can get piking the transfers pepole forgot about

May [4/11/26 1:33 PM]
Hes ben loking for a partner so i can recomend you and you wont have to deal with me any more

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 1:33 PM]
Okay how can I do that ?

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 1:34 PM]
Is that the quick money you are talking about?

May [4/11/26 1:34 PM]
Yes it is

May [4/11/26 1:35 PM]
If your interested ill give him your email and tl and let him kno your good for this

May [4/11/26 1:35 PM]
Hell let you kno the detales

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 1:36 PM]
I am interested

May [4/11/26 1:36 PM]
Okie dokie ill conterct him than

So much for "I've been USED! " and other facets of the morning's rebellion.

May [4/11/26 1:36 PM]
Please rember this is my mentor and frend and i dont want you to mess up becase ill look like a dumb blonde

May [4/11/26 1:37 PM]
I hope i can trust you

Calvin Klein [4/11/26 1:38 PM]
Yeah I am just thinking if that will get me in prison since I will be using my details

May [4/11/26 5:46 PM]
Dont wory. dark avenger can fix that im sure

May [4/11/26 5:46 PM]
Im home now

I will message from a temporary email address as the insidious hacker mastermind Dark Avenger tomorrow. Hopefully things will work out well with this safari. Probably going to send him to Port Harcourt, or similar.

[Bait-a Ray Bill]

All that work I did to find monument examples, and your lad is not going to build one! That is not very considerate of him at all!!! I hope he gets stredded in some very hash conditions when you send him on safari!

[Madlib_629]

@Bait-a Ray Bill: At this point, I have no idea where this lad is coming from. We'll see if things progress any.

April 12th, Dark Avenger wrote him:

Hello Calvin. I heard from May that you are her new asset out in West Africa. I am not surprised she send you over here, to be honest. When I heard that she found new partner, I guessed you will be wondering about her soon, knowing how things usually go with her when she is trying to make friends. But that aside, apparently you need money, and you need it quick. Well, leave that to me. I can work to make this happen.

Now, I hope May told you who I am and what I do. But because of that, I need to make sure you are reliable. I will hate if May misjudge and send me someone who can't find their way out of paper sack.

I need to know your real name, or at least whatever name you want to use for pick up the transfers. And then I need your real life city location so I can find something close to you. I don't want you to travel far from home, because that will be probably inconvenient for you, and is best if I just let you get in and get out. I will have my man to check you in the system before I give more details so you get green flagged.

Reply A.S.A.P. with all this and I will see what I can do.

Calvin promptly coughed up a WU mule:

Yes i am glad to hear from you.
I am her asset in west Africa and i have my speciality too..
For the quick money, i told her i have people that can pick it up for me especially in the USA as i like to stay anonymous too.
Yes we need quick money to finish up a project that i am working with kitty.

Can you work with the detail below:

<WU MULE SNIPPED>

He can pick up any money we want and put it into bitcoin.

I hope to hear from you asap.
Thank you.

That seems fine, but Dark Avenger wants someone in AFRICA:

Hello, and thank you for this. I am glad to hear that May finally got project going with someone. She is very quirky, but reliable. Most of us tech people are quirky anyways, so is not matter. May recommend you very highly, so I will take her word on this and proceed.

I don't know this <MULE NAME> person you send though. May knows <MULE NAME>? I know she lives in America, this is a friend of hers or something? If is not someone May knows, I will have to refuse to let them in on this deal, because I want it to stay small and between we three. Like you said, we must to stay anonymous.

Let me know A.S.A.P. and I will contact also May about this.

Calvin was not too happy to hear that:

Can you tell me all you need to make this happen please? I would like you to name the terms first.

Of course. I will be as clear as possible for you.

You see, every year, there's millions of transfers that people send to each other by Western Union and they do it all over the world. Sometimes those transfers get picked up, well, most of times they do actually. But of course, sometimes they don't. Maybe the recipient died or didn't know they got sent money, or got chicken pox or something. I don't know. Is none of my business anyways. In any case, the kids just never come for the money.

Those transfers end up sitting around in system and just taking up space. They're dormant after a year and system will just sort them as orphaned MTCNs. There's ton of money to be made from them anyways. So being the investment minded man I am, I took interest in these transfers in order to make some cash on the side. I have a guy in West African WU since your systems are a lot more lax there. His name's Sam, he helps me a lot and knows about this. He is a director level officer for Nigeria.

The plan is this: I can tell to Sam to activate any MTCN I want, usually just one or two to avoid to look too obvious of course. And of course, the money has to be picked up in person. Now you see why I can't have your <MULE NAME> to do any picking up of anything. I don't know him, and he's not even in the area. And I am stuck up here in Sofia all the time, so obviously, I can't go myself. I have job in telecommunications and can't take off unless is emergency.

That's where you come in. I will call Sam, once we settle the deal together, and I will activate about $20,000-$50,000 dollars worth of orphaned MTCNs, and will give you the needed informations to pick them up. You go to Western Union office in Nigeria, and you can pick them up all at once, then we split the money. This sounds like good plan to you? You think you could do your part in it correctly? You can think of anything to make the plan better? I value your input on this.

He hasn't been back since then. But there is hope, and assuming the lad talks to May today, something will be able to be worked out.

[Madlib_629]

Okay. This bait is still ongoing. However, my program for making the chats readable ended up breaking, so I haven't been able to post anything for a long time until I finally figured out a new solution.

To resume where we left off, the next Sunday went along normally:

Calvin Klein [4/12/26 6:41 AM]
Okay

Calvin Klein [4/12/26 6:41 AM]
How are you doing

May [4/12/26 8:09 AM]
Good morning im grate how are you doing?

Calvin Klein [4/12/26 8:58 AM]
I am fine

Calvin Klein [4/12/26 8:58 AM]
What are you doing today

May [4/12/26 8:58 AM]
Im wating to iron my dress for church

May [4/12/26 8:59 AM]
Dark avenger said he emaled you, did you get anething?

Calvin Klein [4/12/26 9:57 AM]
I will check

Calvin Klein [4/12/26 9:57 AM]
Which church do you attend?

May [4/12/26 10:07 AM]
Thank you

May [4/12/26 10:09 AM]
Summit Church here in denver

Calvin Klein [4/12/26 10:10 AM]
Denver is in Colorado right ?

May [4/12/26 10:10 AM]
Yes

Calvin Klein [4/12/26 10:20 AM]
I saw his text

May [4/12/26 10:20 AM]
Okie dokie thats grate

Calvin Klein [4/12/26 10:24 AM]
I hope things works out

May [4/12/26 10:25 AM]
Yea itll be okay, dont wory to much. let me kno how it goes

The next day, he finally got back to May on the Dark Avenger problem:

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 2:03 AM]
I gave him name of the person that will be going to pick the money

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 2:03 AM]
I rather stay anonymous

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 2:04 AM]
I sent him Donald's name

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 2:04 AM]
He didn't like it

May [4/13/26 5:23 AM]
Good morning. Whose donald?

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:25 AM]
The person that will be picking the money And sending it to me to crypto

May [4/13/26 5:26 AM]
Is this person based in Afrika?

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:26 AM]
No

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:26 AM]
In the USA

May [4/13/26 5:26 AM]
Thats why he didnt leik it then

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:26 AM]
I can't expose my self and be arrested

May [4/13/26 5:26 AM]
I told him i had a West african guy and thats why he agred

May [4/13/26 5:27 AM]
Plase just trust the proces. if you want to use another name thats fine but i cant lok bad for this guy. dont mes me up thank you

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:28 AM]
Are you trying to set me up and be arrested?

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:29 AM]
If you just send me $2000 or $5000 we won't be needing your friend. That's enough to get a land here and construct the monument for the church and get paid

May [4/13/26 5:29 AM]
No im not stupid. if your in jale youl talk and im doomed. its in my best intrest for you to not be arested

May [4/13/26 5:30 AM]
Your getting more then that if you see what hapens

May [4/13/26 5:31 AM]
Its up to you in the end. no ones forsing you to do aneyhing. Rite him back plase and tel him to name the terms. if you dont liek them then dont go

May [4/13/26 5:32 AM]
Rember hes a serios man and you rely sholdnt entroduce your own thing without warening

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:33 AM]
Okay but I am not giving out my details just like you didn't give me yours and he didn't give me his

May [4/13/26 5:35 AM]
Thats fine

May [4/13/26 5:35 AM]
No one is going to run up and hit you in the hed with a pig blader for being smart like that

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:54 AM]
It's okay I texted him

And he decided to brag to me, which in retrospect was a very bad idea:

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:55 AM]
You know I have people in other countries that helps me stay anonymous while they go on physical errands for me especially in the USA .

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:57 AM]
I have many anonymous deals in the USA that involves large amount of money. But you need to open an LLC or inc to move such large funds

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 5:57 AM]
And a business account in the bank

May [4/13/26 7:13 AM]
Yes it dose come in good for that

May [4/13/26 7:13 AM]
Did you meet them like you met me?

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 8:00 AM]
I met them in Ghana

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 8:00 AM]
Physical meeting

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 8:00 AM]
Very rich n-ggas . They came for tour and liked me

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 8:01 AM]
So they gave me some secrets to making easy abs huge money

May [4/13/26 8:01 AM]
Oh thats nise. maybe one day i can go over there

This will only make me want to bait him even more lol.

[Kitty La Gore]

I suddenly find myself in need of a pig blader....

[Madlib_629]

@KittyLaGore - I pulled that quote from a book some years ago and just use it a lot lol

Calvin wasn't moving much and hadn't written anything interesting to the church. So on the 13th, here comes the disaster:

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 9:53 AM]
Sit what are we doing today

May [4/13/26 9:54 AM]
Depends on who you here back from first the church or dark avenger

May [4/13/26 10:25 AM]

May just sent a random meme. It seemed like a very "May" thing to do. Unfortunately, Calvin had no reaction.

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 10:34 AM]
The church is waiting for me to build the monument

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 10:42 AM]
You can recommend my friend in Nigeria

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 10:42 AM]
He has a land

May [4/13/26 10:56 AM]
Okie dokie

May [4/13/26 10:57 AM]
What are you going to do

May [4/13/26 10:57 AM]
I can setup things with him but your talking to the church so thats your problem if you plan to end things

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 10:57 AM]
Yes it's my problem

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 10:58 AM]
Tell sporus about him

May [4/13/26 10:58 AM]
Okie dokie

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 11:18 AM]
Then have you warned him about Mike okonma ?

Unfortunately, that request came too late:

May [4/13/26 2:51 PM]
Yeah ill do it wen im in a beter mood

May [4/13/26 2:51 PM]
Curently hateing humens so not going to untill tonite

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 3:12 PM]
You need to be happy

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 3:12 PM]
Life is short

May [4/13/26 3:12 PM]
Maybe

May [4/13/26 3:12 PM]
If i talk to sporus rite now i mite stab him. Im not in a good mind

May [4/13/26 3:12 PM]
Somone is trying to get us

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 3:16 PM]
Okay try and wait till you are in a good mood then

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 3:16 PM]
You and dark avenger?

May [4/13/26 3:17 PM]
No. You and i

May [4/13/26 3:17 PM]
<screenshot of May playing a song called "Dead to Me">

May [4/13/26 3:17 PM]
Im going to drown myself in music

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 3:18 PM]
Why would anyone want to get you and I ?

May [4/13/26 3:28 PM]
The church project

May [4/13/26 3:28 PM]
I fond out who got Mike okonma into the chirch

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 3:30 PM]
How did they know about you and I being involved in the church project ?

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 3:31 PM]
Who got him in ?

May [4/13/26 3:33 PM]
Okay

May [4/13/26 3:34 PM]
I am curently mildly unsetled rite now and what to stab soemthing

May [4/13/26 3:34 PM]
Let me breath plase

May [4/13/26 3:36 PM]
I love lieing in my bed it feels so safe

May [4/13/26 3:37 PM]
Okie dokie im back

May [4/13/26 3:37 PM]
We need to talk wen your redy

May [4/13/26 4:21 PM]
Okie doke your gone to. im going to go talk to sporus

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 9:59 PM]
I am here

Calvin Klein [4/13/26 9:59 PM]
What's up

May [4/13/26 10:51 PM]
Good evening

Of course Calvin didn't show up until the next day:

May [4/14/26 7:06 AM]
Good morning

Calvin Klein [4/14/26 9:50 AM]
How are you today

May [4/14/26 11:36 AM]
Im very busy

May [4/14/26 11:36 AM]
How have you ben?

Calvin Klein [4/14/26 11:51 AM]
I am fine

Calvin Klein [4/14/26 11:51 AM]
Just working

May [4/14/26 11:51 AM]
Thats good

May [4/14/26 11:51 AM]
Whats on your mind?

Calvin Klein [4/14/26 11:52 AM]
Nothing really. Will be in my way home soon

May [4/14/26 11:52 AM]
Okie dokie

May [4/14/26 11:52 AM]
I have good news and bad news

May [4/14/26 11:52 AM]
The good news is ive recomanded izuchukwu to sporus

Calvin Klein [4/14/26 12:14 PM]
What's the bad news

May [4/14/26 12:40 PM]
The bad news is i fond the rat

Calvin Klein [4/14/26 12:57 PM]
Tell me about it

May [4/14/26 2:25 PM]
I fond out its denzel

At this point, Calvin had been less and less available. I later found out WHY, but at this time, it was annoying:

May [4/15/26 6:38 AM]
Good morning

May [4/15/26 6:38 AM]
I hope your okay and didnt fal in a hole and brake your neck that wold be bad

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 9:02 AM]
Who is Denzel again ?

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 9:02 AM]
lol

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 9:03 AM]
I nearly fell but I didn't . I am strong

May [4/15/26 9:03 AM]
Thats good. i thought you gave up

May [4/15/26 9:04 AM]
Denzel is the street boy i mention

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 9:05 AM]
How did you know Denzel gave you out ?

May [4/15/26 9:06 AM]
I cheked to see who mark wether was

May [4/15/26 9:06 AM]
I compaired the discreptions and thats denzel.

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 9:11 AM]
Okay what do you plan to do

May [4/15/26 9:12 AM]
I wil blackmale him and get him away from u so your frend can join the church

May [4/15/26 9:13 AM]
I am very insulted. he came into our lifes asking for help and tok adventege of me being kind. im not going to be kind agane, this is why i dont like humans there always faleing

May [4/15/26 9:15 AM]
I wil tell denzel if he dosent tell okonma to leaf the church alone, i will expose both of them for fraud to the church and get rid of him

May [4/15/26 9:15 AM]
Denzel is stupid and i dont kno why he always is arond but im tired of him now. dont wory abot it thouh

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 12:01 PM]
Please fix it baby

May [4/15/26 12:08 PM]
I will

May [4/15/26 12:08 PM]
You need to be here abot your frend or this plan will fale and be a big waist of time for you and i

May [4/15/26 12:09 PM]
Rember im puting myself in alot of dificulty for you so plase be nise and reply timely

Should've been simple. But of course this lazy liar has excuses:

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 12:22 PM]
Well I don't have money to buy a land and build monuments

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 12:22 PM]
You have to bring money for that

May [4/15/26 12:37 PM]
i explaned this

May [4/15/26 12:37 PM]
You have to tell your frend male the church

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 1:25 PM]
Did sporus tell the church ?

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 1:25 PM]
Will he add that he heard about the church from sporus ?

May [4/15/26 1:25 PM]
Yes, and your frend neds to emale them

May [4/15/26 1:26 PM]
He can if he wants but when can he emale them?

Calvin Klein [4/15/26 1:30 PM]
Tomorrow

May [4/15/26 1:31 PM]
Okie dokie, thank you

So it did seem like we would get progress on that end for a moment and potentially have a dolla chop from Mike/Denzel. But then things changed...

[Kitty La Gore]

:insert popcorn meme here:

[Madlib_629]

It's been a while since I updated this, but it is STILL ongoing. I will be doing my best to update daily now, especially since Calvin took May out of the game on the 18th of April.

The evening started normally:

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 1:39 PM]
Do you know what an RDP is ?

May [4/18/26 1:42 PM]
I do

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 1:46 PM]
Can I get it from you?

May [4/18/26 1:49 PM]
You can depending on the curent avaleablty

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 1:50 PM]
I need 8 gig ram

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 1:50 PM]
I have a business to go with it

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 1:50 PM]
RDP 8 gig ram

May [4/18/26 1:50 PM]
Thats good were wil you find the ram?

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 1:54 PM]
RDP comes in ram

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 1:54 PM]
I thought you know that

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 1:54 PM]
The sizes

May [4/18/26 2:10 PM]
I do

May [4/18/26 2:10 PM]
The qestion is clarifycation on what your doing

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 2:52 PM]
You mean what I want to use it to do ?

May [4/18/26 2:54 PM]
Yes

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 3:24 PM]
I have a something that enables me get into Nigerians emails and see who they are scamming

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 3:24 PM]
But I need RDP

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 3:24 PM]
I can save a lot of people with this

There is no way on God's green Earth that this lad is going to use hacking tools to do good deeds

May [4/18/26 3:27 PM]
I think handing such a thing to you is eqivalant to handing a random person a dark mater gun and expeckting a good resalt. for now untill there is suces on a mision i will have to respectfuly decline

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 3:30 PM]
It's fine

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 3:30 PM]
I can buy it online for a few bucks. It's not a big deal or gun like you think

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 3:30 PM]
Are you sure you are good in this stuff like you claim?

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 3:31 PM]
Anyways it's fine, I thought you would have something as easy as that

May [4/18/26 4:38 PM]
I am. I just make choices based on my own resoning

May [4/18/26 4:39 PM]
As i said, i make choices based on my own resoning and its hard to change my mind onse its ben made up

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 4:46 PM]
Nah you are not good on this

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 4:46 PM]
I just got one

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 4:47 PM]
You just thought RDP is something big and scare . I am not sure you know what it is used for

Calvin then attempted to bluff his way out of things:

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 4:47 PM]
I have access to your uncles email now . Someone else is trying to take money from him

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 4:47 PM]
Don't worry I won't intervene

Calvin Klein [4/18/26 4:48 PM]
I have other important things I am using it to for

May [4/18/26 5:15 PM]
Okie dokie, if you think im not good at this you can ignore me

May [4/18/26 5:15 PM]
Good job geting in

Exactly as I had hoped, May appearing nonchalant made him reveal the real reasons for the bluff/anger:

Calvin Klein [4/19/26 1:04 AM]
Everything I have asked you , you have not done any

Calvin Klein [4/19/26 1:04 AM]
Webmail and now RDP

Calvin Klein [4/19/26 1:04 AM]
Your uncle still owes me which you promised to pay back

Calvin Klein [4/19/26 1:04 AM]
Maybe I go call and call him then he pays me himself

May [4/19/26 9:05 AM]
Go ahed

May [4/19/26 9:07 AM]
I do everything in porporshun to what you ned at the time. if your faleing its not any falt of mine

May [4/19/26 9:08 AM]
And abot the money wich i promised to payback its suposed to be comeing from the church but sinse you rely dont want it anymore, thats fine, i will simply cansel it so nether of us waist time

May [4/19/26 9:08 AM]
Have a good day calvin

May wasn't taking any of this nonsense, and if he wasn't going to do any pyramids, I saw no reason to keep him around.

Calvin Klein [4/19/26 9:09 AM]
Yes

Calvin Klein [4/19/26 9:09 AM]
You can't tell me it should be coming from the church and you want me to use my money to buy lands to build monument for your church

Calvin Klein [4/19/26 9:09 AM]
It's too expensive

May [4/19/26 9:10 AM]
Than you shold work it out with your frend insted of being pety

May [4/19/26 9:10 AM]
There rely is a solution for everything and yesterday was a test. you faled. theres no point in this if you want to continue to act leik that

Calvin Klein [4/19/26 9:20 AM]
There wasn't any test

May [4/19/26 9:33 AM]
The fact you think there wasent is proof you faled

May [4/19/26 9:34 AM]
If your not going to be serios any longer you can leaf. im not intrested in argueing with you

May [4/19/26 9:35 AM]
if you cahnge your mind and come back, plase tel me also, it wil save me the waisted time of takeing thing away from you

And with that, I thought the bait was over and I'd lost Calvin for good.

Then on the 22nd of April, this appeared in the church's inbox:

Hello good day choosen one.
I am writing to you to let you know i am still building the monument.
Getting some space to build it took me sometime but i will finish up soon.

Thank you for your patience.

Solomon

The games have begun again!

[Madlib_629]

I quickly wrote back the following morning:

Dearest Friend Solomon:

Good morning to you, I feared we had lost you to the heathens! Thank you so much for your update and please keep me posted on everything. I would like to see pictures of the monument as it is being worked on as soon as possible. Thank you very much, and may the Old Gods give strength to your endeavours!

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

Four days passed without any word. Then on April 27th, we got the following pics and message:

Work in progress

I replied the next day:

Dearest Friend Solomon:

Good afternoon and thank you so much for submitting the pictures. I am so excited and proud of your work and cannot wait to see what you accomplish! Remember to pray to the Old Gods for guidance and assistance in all you do. Hopefully by the beginning of next month, you will be able to have a beautiful monument constructed, suitable for the glory of the Old Gods.

We are currently organizing a bake sale here at the church in order to raise the funds for your parish. Hopefully all the arrangements for that will be completed by next week and we will be able to show your finished products to our donors. This is coming along very well and it is clear you are being blessed in your endeavors. I understand these things take time, so seeing this amount of progress is truly encouraging. Thank you again, and may the Old Gods give you strength.

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

The very next day, May 7th, we got ourselves a pyramid!







And some great pics of Calvin himself with the structure. These are the best, but he sent a few others:



The Monument and Calvin.



Happy Calvin on his bench.

I picked Number Two because it's the only one where he looks happy to be there

I have never been able to convince a lad to do so much nonsense in such a short time, and I really did think I lost him when May got cut to the side. Apparently, he just wants all the money for himself. More to come soon!

[Bait-a Ray Bill]

All bow before the Monument to the Old Gods!


Great job! Can't wait to see what happens next!

[Madlib_629]

Of course I wrote back congratulating him on being struck again by wasted time:

May 8th:

Dearest Friend Solomon:

I hope you are doing wonderfully on this blessed day the Old Gods have given us! I have received your photographs and I must say, the Elders and I are most pleased. The quality of your work on the Monument is simply magnificent. You clearly worked hard on this project, and It is indeed a glorious testament to your faith! The devotion in your heart shines through the images, and I am so happy to see that everything is working out according to the will of the Old Gods. I will select two of the photos to display in the church so the parishioners may see who we are donating to and your undertaking of glory.

Therefore, I am pleased to announce to you that we have unanimously approved your Stage 3. Congratulations my son! Now it is simply a matter of the Completing the simple Ceremony of Faith and then meeting with one of our Brothers in the Cloth and you will officially be a member of our glorious faith. At that point, you will be able to collect your funds for spreading the word of the Old Gods to your country. I am so proud of you, my son!

By tomorrow morning, I will have sent you the instructions for the proper completion of your Ceremony of Faith. I promise you that it will be the most beautiful and emotional ceremony that you have ever seen!

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

Thank you very much.

It gladdens my heart that God answered my prayers for the monument to be approved.
i will be waiting to hear from you on the ceremony of faith.

Thank you very much .

I took a few days to think, and then got back to him with a big request:

May 11th:

Dearest Friend Solomon:

A very good and blessed morning to you and your family my son! I hope everything is working out lovely for you and that you are being assisted in every endeavor by the Old Gods. Today is the day on which I shall acquaint you with our Baptism ceremonies. This is a simple but vital process and is the final step towards your becoming a reverend, representing that most sacred way in which we ascend to the standards of the Old Gods.

In Exodus 3:17, Moses and the Hebrews were told "And I have promised you that I will bring you up from the misery of Egypt to the land of the Canaanites, Hethites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites--a land flowing with milk and honey." This milk and honey was the sacred message of the Old Gods, and as Moses did, you will also gain enlightenment through this process my son.

The baptism process proceeds like so: You will be kneeling in front of the Monument of Faith as if in prayer. One of the faithful who attends the ceremony must pour some milk on your head followed by pouring honey on your head. While this happens, you shall recite the Lord's Prayer (it can be found in Matt. 6:9-13 for your information). Please be sure to utter the words very clearly!

The Baptism Ceremony must be video-recorded and it is also recommended that you have someone available to take photographs during the event. As always, I am at your service if you need any further clarification. I look forward to hearing from you soonest!

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

And look at what this genius replied:

May 12th:

Are we using liquid milk or powdered milk ?

I responded:

May 13th:

Dearest Friend Solomon:

Any form of liquid milk is preferred please. Apologies for not replying to you yesterday, we were at the cemetery all day cleaning the graves of our departed relatives. May you be blessed!

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

It looks like our lad will be getting baptized soon.

[Kitty La Gore]

I'm loving this so much!!

[Madlib_629]

Well, May 14th rolled around and we got ourselves a baptism:






And some photos from the front:




And per request, we also got ourselves some very nice video:

https://youtube.com/shorts/zjR8nZg8F9Y

It looks like Calvin will make a very fine, albeit sticky, pastor. Glory to the Holy Lamb!!

[Bait-a Ray Bill]

Absolutely spectacular! I love it! That is amazing! You are giving me something to shoot for!

[Madlib_629]

It took me a while due to IRL interruptions, but I did get back to him:

May 25th:

Dearest Brother Solomon:

It brings me immense joy to write to you today, my son! The entire congregation of the Church of the Old Gods joins me in extending our warmest congratulations on your recent baptism ceremony. We have prayed and consulted, and we all have decided that your commitment to our sacred path is a sign of a truly profound change from within. Seeing your baptism has filled our hearts with profound happiness. Your decision to join our family marks the beginning of a truly transformative chapter in your spiritual life, my son!

As you continue to walk this blessed path, we want to ensure you have everything you need to establish a thriving church community in your area. To that end, we are preparing a special package just for you. This package will contain state-of-the-art electronics, and that will include computers, phones, and similar technological equipment that will help you connect with our growing network and manage your new community efficiently. Additionally, enclosed within this package, you will find $30,000 we have collected from donations to assist with the initial establishment of your local church. We trust these resources will help you create a welcoming space for other seekers who are drawn to the wisdom of the Old Gods.

To ensure this package reaches you safely and promptly, could you please provide us with your complete shipping address? Please include your street address, city, state/province, postal code, and country if you are located outside the United States. The sooner we receive this information, the quicker we can dispatch your materials to begin this important work.

Remember my son, you are now part of an ancient and powerful lineage of wisdom that stretches back to the dawn of human consciousness. The Old Gods have chosen you, just as they have chosen all of us, to carry their light into a world that desperately needs it. We are here to support you every step of the way, so please never hesitate to reach out with questions or simply to share your experiences as you build your community.

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

Of course this guy came up with an excuse:

May 25th:

I am glad to hear from you chosen one .
This is the best day of my life as I got accepted fully into the congregation of the Church of the Old Gods.
I will praise the Lord and continue in prayers for His guidance .

I will send you the required address but first I need to share my humble opinion on the items you are sending.
Do you think it is safe to put such amount in a package and ship it down to Africa? . I must bring to your notice that there are some unscrupulous or bad officers and workers over here and they can steal it. The electronic items such as phones and computers are safe but my worries is the money . Even if it gets here without being stolen , it might attract a lot of taxes .

My advice is that We use our brothers from Africa in the USA to receive such amount of money and items too and they just bring it down to us in person to Africa or they give it directly to family members or friends coming down the next few days. It is safer and faster and also easier for the church .

Please if you accept my suggestions I can send you a family friend full details in the USA who is also one of my converts as I have been preaching about the Church of the Old Gods to them. They have also sent me gifts a couple of times.

If you prefer we take the risk and send directly to west Africa then I can send you my address in Africa and I hope it delivers safely .

Thank you .

This will not fly:

May 27th:

Dearest Brother Solomon:

Good morning to you! Thank you for your wisdom and for sharing your concerns regarding the shipment of the resources the Old Gods have provided. Your prudence in protecting the offerings for the new parish is commendable, my son. It is clear that the Old Gods have blessed you with foresight.

Your suggestion to route the package through someone in the USA does sound like a much safer path to ensure that the funds and equipment arrive intact for the glory of the Old Gods. However, I would caution against involving someone who isn't formally initiated into our Church in this process. This is not meant to cause offense to them or to you, but like Paul said "We must not be unequally yoked". I do hope you understand my concerns.

If you wish to pursue that path, then please have this party contact us and we will proceed to initiate them into the Church of the Old Gods. If this isn't feasible though, due to time or their disinterest, then direct shipment to your location in West Africa is the path we must take. In accordance with this, please provide me with your full shipping address so we may proceed with that arrangement instead. I await your direction on how best to proceed, my son.

Yours in Blessing
Pastor Lucas P.
The Chosen One

Yes you are right, they have not formally converted to our faith yet.
i have preached about the Church of the Old Gods to them and they accepted and are ready to covert formally but due to the time frame and availability of land, they won't be able to build the monument immediately .

DHL address closest to me: DHL Service Point (Vicazo Enterprises), Lamb of God Plaza, by Aroma Junction, Enugu - Onitsha Expressway, Awka 420108, Anambra State, Nigeria.

My full address: --------------------------------, Awka . Anambra state Nigeria.
Phone number +234 ----------------
Name: Solomon -------

You can send everything to any of the address above.

Please don't put the money among, it will be stolen or might be scanned and found by the government as it is against the law to send cash through packages , it is regarded as money laundering.
It is best you send it through bank transfer or easier through crypto currency or bitcoin, or paypal or other means of transfer.

I am not sure but i know God will guide us to the right path of sending the money.
I am open to learn from you about all this as i speak according to the West African laws of finance i know and also the knowledge i get after praying to God.

Thank you

So we are a bit stranded here. However, another angle of the bait is moving along well which I will cover shortly. Any advice on getting the money to him via package for a safari is accepted. (Am sending DM to Bertje too).

[Big X]

I heard through the grapevine that someone was running a COTOG bait, and got a lad to build their Monument of Faith!

Congratulations madlib, it looks great!

[Madlib_629]

@BigX - Wow, it's great to see you back here, and thank you so much for the compliments! Your bait did inspire this heavily, I just kind of go off on tangents depending on how Calvin's doing. Right now, I am a little bit stuck due to the shipping mess, but eventually plan to force his hand there and make him go on safari. We shall see.

So, to continue the story and backtrack a little, if you remember, Calvin had bluffed and left May in a rage. But he eventually came sneaking back one day:

May 5th:

Calvin Klein [5/5/26 9:37 AM]
Hi

May [5/5/26 9:45 AM]
Good morning

May [5/5/26 9:45 AM]
How are you

There was nothing more for a while, so I decided it was probably a fluke. But then he returned:

May 7th:

Calvin Klein [5/7/26 7:35 AM]
I am fine

Calvin Klein [5/7/26 7:35 AM]
How have you been

May [5/7/26 8:27 AM]
Ive been good

May [5/7/26 8:27 AM]
Im makeing money and enjoying my life a litle bit now that i have a stedy sorse of income

May 8th:

Calvin Klein [5/8/26 11:35 AM]
I didn't know you have steady source of income now

Calvin Klein [5/8/26 11:35 AM]
What's your job

May [5/8/26 1:11 PM]
Geting denzels funds

It's been a while, but Denzel was a local gang member who May taught math to. Originally, he was going to be helping my fake lad, but it seems like things might change there, which is fine:

Calvin Klein [5/8/26 1:58 PM]
I thought you said that was April fool

May [5/8/26 2:02 PM]
No the George bush coment was

May [5/8/26 2:02 PM]
This is soemthing diferent

May 10th:

Calvin Klein [5/10/26 12:37 AM]
Will you teach me then

Calvin Klein [5/10/26 12:37 AM]
How does it work

May [5/10/26 8:35 AM]
It works by geting money from denzel

And then this idiot took a bait I wasn't even offering hook, line, and sinker:

May 12th:

Calvin Klein [5/12/26 12:22 AM]
How can I join and do that too?

May [5/12/26 12:22 AM]
Good morning, upsy daisy still crazy

May [5/12/26 12:23 AM]
Find denzel

Calvin Klein [5/12/26 12:23 AM]
Denzel Washington or Denzel curry ?

May [5/12/26 12:24 AM]
Nether, denzel, our locel area boy

May [5/12/26 12:24 AM]
I dont kno any actors

Calvin Klein [5/12/26 12:46 AM]
Where will I search him?

Calvin Klein [5/12/26 12:46 AM]
What do I need to do to get paid

May 13th:

May [5/13/26 8:27 AM]
Do you want to scam denzel?

Calvin Klein [5/13/26 8:08 PM]
No I want to work and earn just like you

May [5/13/26 10:13 PM]
Okie dokie

May [5/13/26 10:13 PM]
I will think of what todo i think your not understanding me

Calvin Klein [5/13/26 10:18 PM]
Okay think so I can earn please

May [5/13/26 10:19 PM]
The job is geting money from denzel by doing usless tasks for him

I imagined he might focus back on the church since this was a slight period of delay there. He did not:

May 14th:

Calvin Klein [5/14/26 1:01 AM]
I can do that

This lad is just too easy.

May [5/14/26 8:41 AM]
Good ill send you his detales than?

May 15th:

Calvin Klein [5/15/26 9:38 AM]
Yes

Calvin Klein [5/15/26 9:38 AM]
Thank you

May [5/15/26 10:42 AM]
<Denzel's Email>@gmail.com

May [5/15/26 10:42 AM]
Do what you want to him say your a frend of mine if you like

He didn't get back to either May or Denzel for a long time and I assumed once again that he'd given up:

May 18th:

Calvin Klein [5/18/26 11:48 AM]
Okay

Calvin Klein [5/18/26 11:48 AM]
That I want to join his platform and earn right?

May [5/18/26 1:23 PM]
Yes that works

Calvin finally wrote Denzel on the 21st of May using the exact same email he is using for the church. This will be used against him soon.

Hello , good day to you.
I am a friend of May and I will like to join your community and earn too.

Thank you .

I'm unsure what he thought he was joining, but okay, we can deal with that.

Slang talking Denzel replied:

Oh damn. May sent you? Fr?

Yes she did . She believe I will do great and make better impact

This lad talks like he's signing up to join the Salvation Army

Oh that's dope af. Look, idk. Uh, you wanna do smth for me or what?

Calvin immediately returned to May:

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:11 PM]
How have you been

May [5/21/26 12:14 PM]
Im grate and how are you?

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:23 PM]
I am okay

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:23 PM]
What are you up to

May [5/21/26 12:23 PM]
Im working dekoding a thret somone sent to me

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:24 PM]
Denzel ask if I can do SMTH for him

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:24 PM]
What's that mean?

May [5/21/26 12:25 PM]
I think he mens soemthing. he talks like that

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:25 PM]
What do I tell him

May [5/21/26 12:26 PM]
Tell him okie dokie but you rely dont want to join a gang or anything

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:26 PM]
Does he pay people that joins gang?

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:26 PM]
Or cult

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:26 PM]
I can join anyone that pays well

Calvin and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Thing to Tell a Baiter.

May [5/21/26 12:27 PM]
He dosent have a cult

May [5/21/26 12:27 PM]
He does or at lest the gang does

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:28 PM]
Well I can be one of his gang in Africa if he will pay me

May [5/21/26 12:29 PM]
I dont see any posible way that could go rong

This was said with a heavy layer of juicy sarcasm

Calvin replied to Denzel:

Yeah, I can do that. And other stuffs you want me to.

Bet. Look, you with May correct? How long have you known her for?

Calvin AGAIN ran to May:

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:31 PM]
He ashes how long I have know you

May [5/21/26 12:32 PM]
I dont rember wen we met just be honest

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:33 PM]
I think it's fabuary

May [5/21/26 12:33 PM]
Okie dokie thats fine then tel him that

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 12:34 PM]
Does he attend the church with sporus

May [5/21/26 12:34 PM]
No he dosent leik sporus rember? hes not apart of any cult

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:12 PM]
Okay I will have that in mind

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:12 PM]
Thank you

May [5/21/26 1:13 PM]
Your welcome

It is actually 86 days (as of this post) since I first sent Calvin an ASEM on March 5th.

[Madlib_629]

Calvin resumed emailing Denzel:

It is about 4 months now. I have been her connect in west Africa and she trusts me

he doesn't, but okay

Denzel decided to try something out, which I do plan to use later on:

Aight look. I really don't wanna like have you do something you don't wanna do, but can you keep a secret for me? Idk how much you got paid or wtvr, but I really need a favor bad. Since y'all are good friends, is there like anything she likes, like idk, food or something like that? Does she have any like favorite singers or smth? Cause I kinda wanna surprise her and I'm just wondering if yk anything like that. If not, it's aight, I jut was hoping maybe you could like tell me a lil more abt her cause she's so damn shy.

And Calvin came running to May:

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:13 PM]
Tell me your likes and dislikes may

May [5/21/26 1:14 PM]
What is hapening?

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:15 PM]
Nothing

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:15 PM]
Just want to know you a little better

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:15 PM]
We have been together for long

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:15 PM]
We deserve that

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:15 PM]
Plus you are too sad

May [5/21/26 1:15 PM]
Youve knon me sinse februrary

May [5/21/26 1:15 PM]
there is alot on my mind

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:48 PM]
Also

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:48 PM]
Denzel asked me about it

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 1:49 PM]
It's sad I don't know this things about you

May [5/21/26 1:49 PM]
Tell him if he wants to kno he can ask me

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 2:25 PM]
How then will he believe I know you baby?

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 2:26 PM]
You can just tell me one of your likes

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 2:26 PM]
Something you would like if I want to surprise you

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 2:28 PM]
Favorite food

Calvin Klein [5/21/26 2:28 PM]
Or future musician

May [5/21/26 3:36 PM]
You kno i like melanie martinez

May [5/21/26 3:37 PM]
I like sea food

Sure enough, Calvin came running back to Denzel:

She likes sea food. Her favorite musician is Melanie Martinez

Denzel replied:

Okay. I'mma work on listening to the whole discography then. Email you when I get a chance.

Calvin disappeared as well for a few days, then returned:

May 25th:

To Denzel:

Good day Denzel, anything new ? May said you can help me and I can work for you and get paid in dollars or cryptocurrency

What? She's recommending me? Nah, I only kinda like said I was doing some stuff, I didn't really like say anything, aight? Did she say anything abt how much she knows abt what I do or anything? Cause if she actually knew all that, that's crazy. Idk how she did, I never even told her.

This fake "Caught off guard" moment is to establish a bit of a fear of May's abilities. It later came in useful.

She doesn’t know. She is just trying to help me because I am in Africa

Well that don't make no sense. I'm tryna pretend to be stupid as possible. I never told her anything about the cryptocurrency, how did she find out?

Everyone knows about crypto currency. That was only a guess of means of payment to me

Meanwhile, Calvin returned to May:

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 9:50 AM]
How are you today

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:13 AM]
Your friend Denzel is into crypto currency

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:13 AM]
He thought you told me that

May [5/25/26 10:17 AM]
No i didnt

May [5/25/26 10:17 AM]
I kno he has conections to a guy who dose that but it gang conections

May [5/25/26 10:17 AM]
Good morening to you, upsy daisy stil crazy

Meanwhile, Denzel emailed again:

Nobody's supposed to know that I've been doing that. How much did May actually tell you? Cause this ain't good, is she mad at me?
Y'all crazy like what the hell, how did you know that?

I am into crypto too . I knew you were into crypto the moment we started talking because I figured you are very intelligent. Intelligent people are into crypto. It is not hard to figure out. May is not mad at you .

Garden variety flattery again

Meanwhile, Calvin went back to May:

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:18 AM]
He is so weird

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:18 AM]
He thinks you told me things about him on crypto currency

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:19 AM]
He is asking me if you know how much he got and his secrets

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:19 AM]
I just need a job from him not questions about him

May [5/25/26 10:19 AM]
I do but that dosent mater, hes fine as long as he didnt kil anyone

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:19 AM]
I am so not telling him anything about you

May [5/25/26 10:20 AM]
Thats good i can do it myself if it becomes a problem

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:27 AM]
I just can to earn even if it means he brings me into the gang

May [5/25/26 10:27 AM]
Enjoy the gang then

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:28 AM]
What do you want me to do

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:28 AM]
I didn't tell him shut the hang or anything

May [5/25/26 10:29 AM]
I think your overeacting and ned to setle down but its not my busness any longer as im just a little blonde girl who is scared of things you kno and everthing youve asked me ive not done any sinse im not good on this

May [5/25/26 10:29 AM]
But its not my mater any longer so you shold be good. join a gang enjoy yourself

May [5/25/26 10:30 AM]
But ill take care of denzel if he messes this up

May [5/25/26 10:30 AM]
and tell him he has no hope of dateing me thanks

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 10:36 AM]
You want me to tell Denzel shout joining his hang?

He then went back to Denzel with more flattery:

Yes I understand. You don’t have to show the public all about you . You are wise .I am from west Africa.

Damn okay. Uh, idk how else we're gonna do this, but usually you get paid if you join our gang. Do you wanna join? You could get paid for like taking wire transfers for us out in Africa.

Good idea. Movement of money . Which amount does the money come in? My African account?

If you want. Here's the deal.

We're a local street gang but we wanna branch out. If we can get y'all out in Africa to take care of some of this money it'd be great. Idk if you wanna actually have it in your account cause that's not really safe, but since we're local, there's a low, low, low risk of actually getting busted.

We can do it in USD, cause idk which country specifically you're in. I used to send USD to this guy out in Nigeria ik once long ago. But he's gone anyways. Of course, first you gotta join the gang before anything else.

And this clown replied back:

Okay I want to join . What does it take to join a gang? Can we also move the money through bitcoin?

By the time this bait is over, he'll have joined everything

Meanwhile, he also dropped some more flattery for May:

May [5/25/26 1:03 PM]
If you like

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 1:35 PM]
You always guild me that's why I want to do what you say

May [5/25/26 1:38 PM]
Okie dokie

May [5/25/26 1:38 PM]
Peace then?

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 2:25 PM]
He told be about joining a gang

Calvin Klein [5/25/26 2:25 PM]
I asked them what they do there

May [5/25/26 3:54 PM]
Do you have gangs in ghana?

He disappeared for a couple of days after this, so we never found out, but he did indeed begin to join the imaginary gang.

[Madlib_629]

Denzel got back to him in the morning:

Aight, good morning. So you wanna be in the gang for real then? Just making sure, cause I don't wanna like end up getting you into something that you ain't even wanna be in. That'd be pretty messed up.

Calvin went right along:

Gang is cool actually. I like it. We gat to make money together and do s**t together

Tough guy trying to cuss

Aight, Then I hope you are okay with doing the initiation? You're gonna be joining the Lincoln Park gang yk. And btw, May ain't part of this, she kinda like knows it exists, but it's nothing to do with her, so you don't have to tell her you're in it or anything like that. Oh and serious question, is May single or what?

Yes I am in and ready for initiation . I won’t tell may about it. Yes May is currently single

You know he's going to tell her everything.

Aight, very good to hear - all of it. Anyways, lemme see. You're gonna have to do a couple things to join the Lincoln Park Gang. You got any fruit available? How abt animals or some typa thing like that?

I can get fruits. What should i do with it?

Okay. You're gonna have to do the following.

Get a banana, and get a large piece of paper. And then get a chicken, if you can't find anybody with a chicken out there you can use a stuffed animal or rubber chicken or smth like that. And then you're gonna need a teapot. So you're gonna have your chicken, and your piece of paper, and your teapot, and your banana.

Then you go and you write on the paper "LINCOLN PARK GANG". In nice big letters, cause we wanna be able to see it. And then you put the paper you made on the front of your chest. And then in your right hand, you're gonna hold a chicken, and in your left hand, you wanna be holding the banana. Then you're gonna somebody put the teapot on your head. Then have someone take a photo and sent it over here, I'll check it out, make sure you did all that right. Hope everything's aight with this?

I don't even know where this came from. I think I was high on energy drinks or something. I seriously expected insults and rejection. Instead I got:

Will it be a live chicken?

Yeah, I don't want you killing nothing. We're a gang, not a buncha chicken killing Satan worshippers lol.

Two days passed without much communication, so I prodded him again and tried for a safari (he later explained to May that he was having difficulty convincing anyone to loan him a live chicken):

May 29th:

Hey idk if you're gonna see this, but the sooner you get that initiation done the better. Cause we got a bit of a problem over here. I need to know smth - how well do yk West Africa? Like I mean the geography and all that kinda stuff. Also you got any fancy looking clothes? Cause there's smth you might need to help with idk. But wtvr, keep me posted my guy.

Idiot Lad Calvin replied:

Yes I have many fancy clothes and I know a lot about West Africa. I have traveled to 4 west African countries. I have some black friends up there too. I am able to get other things except the live animal . I am working towards it. Can i use a life Goat instead of chicken? Can i also use a kettle instead of a teapot?

I replied:

Oh this is beautiful. Icl, this is great. You actually travel, hell yeah, we done gone and found the right man for the job. Look, I don't know what on earth a life goat is. When you write me back, clarify what that thing is and then I'll talk to the boss for you and see if that's aight or what. Still, I can't lie, might look kinda silly if there's this one kid up there holding a goat and all the others are holding chickens. And yeah, use a kettle, idk if there's any difference between a kettle and a teapot, that's kinda tomayto tomahto if you ask me, but wtvr.

Oh, and ask May if she's going to the market today, cause I was thinking if she goes I might try seeing if I can catch up with her and talk with her for a lil, just to kinda be nice, that's all. Peace.

Of course Calvin spent all day chatting with May and didn't email again till much later. Terrible wingman, just terrible:

Sent at 3:30pm my time:

Yes she is going to the market. She always do

Damn it, you know what, never mind, it came too late. But anyways, I'll try and catch her at church tomorrow. When you get that initiation done, email me or smth. Cause we got a ton of mess to catch up on. See you later my guy.

Later on in the nighttime, 11pm actually, the pictures finally came, with some complaining on the side:

I have done everything you want me to do to be initiated. I have taken the photos . How many more steps are there in this stuff please?

Send the photos. I'm up, my friend's high off crack so I'm tryna help him come down. I got some time.

Calvin sent the photo:



There were three of these with slightly different poses. This isn't Calvin though, this is his friend Bald Lad who was in his first trophy picture and baptised him. However, a trophy pic's a trophy pic. And I THINK Bald Lad is "Solomon". But we shall see.

(Note - I fixed the exposure/contrast because the original is rather dark)

[Bait-a Ray Bill]

Bravo I say! Bravo! Link for photo seems broken for me though...